Affairs of the Heart

One of my most earnest prayers lately has been for God to guard my heart. And for me to understand what that means. Not only has God kept watch over it, he has put it away for someone only worthy of it chosen by the big man himself. That doesn't stop your heart from aching. It doesn't stop your heart from feeling. It only keeps your heart strong whenever an ache does come along. You no longer feel like your world comes crashing down whenever things don't work out with that guy/girl like you had hoped. But whenever you have your heart guarded that doesn't mean you become cold and distant from people. I've actually found that to be quite the contrary.


Earlier this summer I went through a rough break up. Rough on me and rough on the guy. My heart was damaged. I was hurting. The people closest to me knew this and listening to their advice did help, but that didn't stop it from hurting. I immediately started praying that God would keep my heart in his hands. Heal it. Mold it. Make it shine. And in that I found that with God having the human side of my heart, I have a yearning to find God's heart to replace what I had given him. God doesn't call us to keep our hearts to ourselves. In fact we're supposed to sacrifice them for him and to him. And then we're supposed to share that peace/joy/love with everyone, even if it is just a simple hello or genuine smile to someone that we usually don't talk to or see. He promises to take care of us no matter what and who am I to argue with that?


In that I have been more open with people. More loving towards others and myself. I used to keep quiet and to myself at work but over this semester I've talked to the people I work with and for and I can honestly say that it's been a completely eye opening experience to who I work with and what they've faced, what they enjoy, what they like outside of the office walls. I have made friends in my classes. Last year I was actually terrified of even speaking to other people. This year, it's actually completely different. I know the people around me, what's going on in their lives and I love it! I love the new me. I love who God is shaping me to be. I have a prayer that I pray every morning whenever I wake up.


"God thank you for another day. Love me, lead me, guide me, guard me, keep me."


In that prayer is everything I could ever want from God. I couldn't survive without his love. I would have no direction if he didn't lead me. While he is leading me I need him to show me the way not just forge the path. This whole post is about his guarding my heart so of course I want that. I want to be in his hands held firm thru the storms and the aches. I know I have to go thru them, but I certainly don't want to face them without protection from the man that knows why everything happens. 


Live Today.   

Shake a Hand

7 December. "A day that will live in infamy." Those words still ring true and the date 7 December still stirs feelings of national unity and gratitude towards those who are serving, yet why do we need specific days to remind us of the people that are serving us in the most humble way possible, a way that we probably won't ever get to witness or experience? This questions puzzles me exceedingly.


This Thanksgiving, I had the pleasure of spending a wonderful day with family that fixed some fabulous food. I mean that stuff was GREAT. But I also had the pleasure of hanging with an amazing soldier. He's serving right now, and got a short vacation to come back and visit his beautiful and wonderful wife (my cousin, D) and just have some down time. Seeing him with her and how happy they are together made my heart just overflow with happiness for them. He makes her smile and laugh and just all around the most joyful person. And that's what true love is all about. 


However this amazing soldier not only makes my cousin happy, he serves his country. No matter what sacrifices he has to make. He and D have picked up and moved twice in the short time that they've been married and the most recent move has taken them overseas. While on a base overseas, he learns that he has to go back to the war for another tour. I can't even imagine what is going through his mind whenever he learns that he has to leave his new wife and go back into a war-zone. However, no matter what is going through his mind he goes. D comes back to the US for a little bit and I can guarantee you that we've loved having her back, but seeing her and him together over Thanksgiving made me smile and at the same time broke my heart. Only a few short days after Thanksgiving he was going to have to leave again and they would wait many more months before they get to see each other again. This is a picture captured right before he headed off.


This is the epitome of servitude and strength. It takes an extremely strong person to leave comfort and go into a place literally outside of their comfort zone. I can think of nothing more heartwarming to me than watching soldiers run off a plane to be greeted by the ones who miss them and love them. This summer as I was waiting for my luggage in an airport around 11:30 pm a plane full of soldiers landed and as the passengers got off the entire airport just stopped and a roar of applause rang out over the entire airport. I get teary eyed simply thinking about the soldiers I saw run from the gate to someone with outstretched arms. I even saw a few of them crying. 


Think about the way a simple thank you brightens your world. Even if it is from someone you don't even really know. The fact that they've taken time out of their day to acknowledge your work is a great feeling. That being said, shake a soldiers hand.(They deserve much more than a handshake, but it might be awkward if you just ran up and straight hugged them.) Tell them thank you for serving. These men and women are the strongest people in the world that would never tell you what they've gone thru for people they will never meet.


So, a huge thank you to men and women and my own family that are serving. (He may have married in, but he's considered full family.) You are thought of, you are prayed for, and you are appreciated. 

Live Today.

The Time Has Come

Those of you Marvin K. Mooney fans out there might have picked up on that reference, but let's be honest the chances of anyone knowing who Marvin K. Mooney is are quite slim. Yet, sad enough as it is to admit, the time has come. The time has come for me to finish the book of Romans. Honestly, leaving this book is like leaving a family member. I know they're always going to be there but I've read from them, learned from them, and memorized their words for so long now my heart is truly saddened that it's time for me to delve into another book. 


Looking back through all of my journal entries about this wonderful book a few common themes keep screaming at me. 


1. Die to live. I honestly cannot tell you how many times I've heard this phrase inside the church, while working at camp, listening to a pastor's sermon, or even hearing it from myself. But there comes a point when it has to be more than heard, it has to be lived. All throughout Romans Paul talks about how Jesus dies for us to receive salvation. He died for the Gentiles, not just the Jews. Over and over again Paul talks about how when we come to know Jesus we have died to our sin and are now living in and for Christ. Romans 6:1-14, how can we who died to sin still live in it? We have died to our sin and should walk in the newness of life. We are not called to be zombies walking in death, we are called to be warriors for our God alive in his love, mercy, and grace. "For sin will have no dominion over you since you aren't under the lawm but under grace." I can't make it any more clear.


2. Not thru works. God really knew what he was doing with this one. Here again, Paul constantly talks about how thru faith we are saved and not thru works. One of my favorites is in Romans 4:13-25 Paul discusses that salvation was given Abraham because of faith. Romans 5, a classic chapter, talks about how we are justified thru faith. Romans 9:16, "So then it depends not on human will or exertion, but on God who has mercy."


Not only have these themes screamed out at me, but something else has screamed at me as well.(And I'm not just talking about my handwriting.) I have gone from loving the Lord to being IN LOVE with the Lord. My prayers and journal entries go from being distant narratives to literally containing every single thought and detail of my life. I can't get enough of him. He has captivated my heart and simply bewitched me in his mercy, grace, and goodness. I know that God will continue to bless me and that simple thought overwhelms my soul.I want to do everything in my power to please him and make him smile. The adventures that he has led me on and will lead me to and thru excite me more than my heart can imagine. Reading back through my journal I smile because a problem that seemed so large then fell into place and makes me really have hope for the future. 


I talk now like I haven't endured a hardship this entire semester. But, that would be lying. My own mother can testify to how many times I've called her upset (even sometimes at 11:30 on a Thursday night) saying that I just don't understand why something is happening. I've recently found out that a great friend of mine has a very aggressive type of cancer and another amazing family friend will be going thru chemo very soon. I have had go thru a serious heart break. I've watched friends struggle. My grandfather has fallen. I've had to write a eulogy for a dear friend. I'm about to go thru another Christmas without my brother or father. I have endured struggles. I have shed tears. I have panicked. I have stressed. But thru it all I have found someone that has always been by my side wherever and whatever life has taken me through.


My time in Romans is coming to an end, but my love with God feels like it's just beginning. And while I'm living out Marvin K. Mooney's exit with Romans, the time has come for me to say, "Hello future, what do you have for me?" 


God's Will will never send you to where His grace will not cover you.


Live Today.

Perfect Timing

I've talked about my camp experiences many many times now. And probably will talk more about them as this blog continues to be written, but right now I want to look at a specific relationship that I got out of working with an amazing team. 

In 2003, I lost my brother, Andy, to complications from a car accident. I will never forget the sound of Mrs. Grove's voice over the intercom saying, "We need Miss Voyles to come to Mrs. Grove's office." And of course the entire classroom did the typical "OOOHHHHH" and I didn't think anything of it simply because I knew I hadn't done anything wrong (that day) and would sometimes get called to different offices to run errands during the school day. However that February afternoon was an exception. She asked me to sit down and told me that Andy had been in a car accident and that he was talking but they were going to move him to Savannah and I was getting checked out to go see him. I got to Wayne Memorial and got in the back of the ambulance and he told me words that remain to this day just between us. That was one of the last times he talked to me. He coded a few weeks later yet came out okay, and then only a few days after that he coded again and didn't fare so well after that one. He was brain dead. My brother who was the soccer star and jokester of anywhere he went would never play soccer again nor would he pull another prank. He passed away February 28 and my world was never the same. 

Along the way I acquired best friends that were like brothers to me. And I love them dearly. However my heart was shut off from ever wanting a truly older brother because of the pain that I had already gone through with one. My heart was shut off... until this summer came around. The first day of training I got to meet my team and knew that the summer was going to be a LOT of fun, but we were all anxious to meet the band. They were added later in the game because our guitarist was transferred to another team and they would be coming in late that first night of training so we would all meet them the next day. Well, we woke up the next morning and all of the sudden there were four more members of the team. I knew pretty much off the bat that these guys were legit and that they were going to be the center of a lot of fun for the summer.

But there was one person in particular that impacted my life. We instantly hit it off and called each other best friend literally within a few days of talking with each other. We just got closer throughout training week and one night I was particularly upset and we went for a walk. We were honest with each other and gave advice as it was needed. He listened to my problems, called me out on things, and was very honest with me even when he knew it would step on my toes. That walk was probably the one that began to open my heart up to the possibility of another older brother. 

I went into that summer sure that I didn't need someone to be my older brother. I couldn't have been more wrong. My resistant heart has been changed. God gave me an older brother. Throughout the summer, I could always ask him for advice. We always had fun together and laughed way too much. I knew that he would be honest with me, even when I didn't want to hear it. Some of his famous words were, "Keep your chin up." I can't tell you guys how many COUNTLESS times I heard those words throughout the summer. They kept me smiling through the roughest counseling job ever, a break up, and just plain out bad days. He became my older brother. We called each other brother and sister, we acted like it, "fought" like it, and definitely talked to each other like it. Even when camp ended, our brother/sister bond did not. 

There's not enough room for me to go into detail on how much this guy means to me. He always knows how to make me laugh. He always knows what to say whenever I'm freaking out. He challenges me in my faith. He encourages me. He is my brother. I wasn't supposed to have that job. I was originally wait listed. The band wasn't supposed to be on our team. But they ended up there. And it couldn't have been more perfect timing. God knew that it was time for me to have an older brother and have someone that would keep me sane throughout camp and throughout life. Andy will always be my brother, and I know he's watching over me in heaven but God knew I needed someone here on Earth to make sure I would always be okay. God definitely knew what he was doing when he put CK7 together.

God took away Andy, but he sent me James. And James if you're reading this, thank you for everything you've done for me. Thank you for the laughs, real talk, encouragement and love. "Clear Eyes. Full Heart. Can't Lose." I love you, brother.

Live Today.

And Fun Was Had By All

As we all know, Thanksgiving was yesterday and Black Friday (Yes, I did go and solemnly swore I would never do it again) is today. I could write about how thankful I am for my family and how awesome they are at everything, but while I am thankful for my family I am more thankful for one facet than I am of anything else this "Thanksgiving/Christmas Season" I am thankful for their fun. 


Early Saturday morning I arose (after staying up entirely too late for an awesome time with some great friends at a Gwinett Gladiators game Friday night) and departed for my small town home of Jesup. Now Athens is roughly 3-4 hours from Jesup and the drive isn't really all that exciting, but I knew that I was going to have one spectacular time at home. As soon as I arrived I walk in on my mother making Loaded Baked Potato Soup. You can imagine how much my poor college kid mouth was salivating at simply smelling it. She made it to surprise me. If THAT isn't love I don't know what is. Later, I went over to BJ and Lindsey's (I consider them family) and the fun began. I played with Micah, Joshua, and Hannah after they woke up from their naps, talked girl talk with Lindsey, and football with BJ. It's not every day that you have the opportunity to play with 2 kids making a "Lion's Den" out of small chairs and couch cushions while the other kid is sitting on your stomach poking her hands in your mouth. To some, this may not sound like fun but to me, a girl who hadn't seen these little ones or their parents for quite some time it was one blast of a time. 


After that I headed on over to my Grandma's house. Now at Grandma's we have one team that we will always cheer for and that team is F-L-O-R-I-D-A-S-T-A-T-E! FLORIDA STATE! FLORIDA STATE! FLORIDA STATE! WOO!!! (I get chill bumps just thinking about that chant.) Here again, if you know me, you KNOW that I. Love. Football. I love everything about it. I can't really talk stats but I can talk offense, defense, special teams, coaches, and cheerleaders. (That last part is a bit irrelevant, oh well) I get my spunk while watching games from my Grandma. She starts hollering at the TV, clapping her hands, and giving the refs and players their what-to-for and that my friends is pretty much my definition of fun.


On Thanksgiving day the family came over and we all ate entirely too much and decided after lunch to play Quelf. Please take time to Google said game to appreciate the hilarity of it. Mom did a Broadway show tune dance, Chris did a hoe-down, sang with his thumbs in his mouth and became a golf announcer, Dee became Darth Vader, Parker Wayne a videographer, Aunt DD a mummy, and Caitlyn a foot whisperer. It. Was. HILARIOUS. We all were relaxed and acted so silly and everyone had a WONDERFUL time just being ourselves. 


Now my laugh is a teensy bit loud. And I love to laugh. And my family simply loves to have a jolly good time. I can go home stressed out about a class/life/test and they will always make me laugh and smile and know that everything is going to be fine. We can get together at my small home town or a big ritzy place and they are always going to be the same. Completely too loud and completely too much fun. However, with the future looking bright and life changing decisions being made there is not much more I could want rather than a completely too loud and a completely too fun family. 


Live Today.

Lucky Dawg

Now it's VERY safe to say that this week was a struggle. And to quote one of my best friends is was a "big ball of struggle." It began pretty nicely, until I realized that on Thursday I had three tests within a two hour period and then the panic set in. Honestly, I don't think I did too well on one of the tests but I know I did everything I could in order to succeed and I'll just have one heck of a challenge at final's time. In summary, Thursday just plain stunk. I mean if we were classifying days on a 1-10 (1 being the worst, 10 the best) it was about a -2. BUT, the next day was 11-11-11... and it was said to be the luckiest day in the world and God knew just how lucky I needed to be that day. 


I went into work and did the usual routine but at lunch I have to get the check signed and the person I normally go to was a bit busy that day so I decided to go find someone else. To my surprised the man I did find was from Hinesville, Georgia and that is amazingly close to home for me, so we got to figuring out people we both knew when another person walked in and joined the conversation. Somehow the subject of what major I was pursuing came up and when they found out I wanted to do nursing they told me of contacts they could put me in touch with that could give me some great insight and guidance in the field. I was SO shocked to even begin to process everything they were telling me! It wasn't even 12 o'clock and yet my luck had began to turn around. 


After work, I got to have my FIRST Gigi's Cupcake that afternoon, and let me tell you if having best a friend that introduced me to it isn't luck I don't know what is. (Alyssa, you are the bomb!) And that night I went swing dancing and let me tell you, we didn't know all the moves but the ones we learned we got down pat. It was one of the most fun nights I have had in a very very long time. After the dance some people went out to a bonfire, and coming from south Georgia if there's a bonfire remotely close I'm all about being there. We stayed out entirely too late and laughed way too much and had so much fun. Yet, the 11-11-11 luck didn't stop there.


The next morning was the 115th game of the Deep South's Oldest Rivalry. Georgia versus Auburn. You could practically feel the excitement in the air throughout the tailgate and the game. I had practically zero voice left and my hands hurt from clapping but those are merely tiny sacrifices for the huge win we had! And even after Saturday the 11-11-11 luck continued to flow.


This morning in church the sermon was "Big on Belonging." As he was speaking I kind of drifted off into my own world. I know that he was speaking about how that church was big on helping others belong but I couldn't help and realize my luck. I have the best group of friends in the world. I am lucky to have people in my life that make me laugh whenever I have a -2 day. I'm lucky to attend the greatest university in the state. I'm lucky to have a mother that loves me and is honest with me. I'm lucky to have more brothers and sisters than the Duggars. I'm lucky to know my God. I'm lucky to have a job that I absolutely love. I'm lucky to being going into a career that I desperately want. I'm lucky to have this wonderful life. 


I guess that just makes me one Lucky Dawg.


Live Today.

Driving Force

What is the motivation behind so many major ideas? Why do we sometimes do crazy things? Why do I always cheer for the Dawgs? What is the driving force behind so many things we do? One word. Passion.

I talked about recently how at Watkinsville First Baptist Pastor Carlos is doing a bit about what leaders are. Well sadly that has come to an end but one of the topics that has stuck with me is "Leaders Are Passionate." When someone is passionate about something we sometimes go so far as to say obsessed, crazy about, or even intense over whatever their heart is set on. Now since we are in church and this is in the sermon the first key phrase was "Leaders are passionate about God." But it got me thinking, would it be bad to be passionate/obsessed/crazy about/intense for God? Like I talked about earlier, why would I NOT be crazy about a man that has blessed me with things beyond measure and will still continue to bless me with things even when we mess up? Why would I not want to be obsessed with a man that after we ask for his forgiveness throws our wrongs as far as the East is from the West? 

One of the most passionate leaders in the Bible is David. We looked as Psalm 86 for the sermon and here are some of his key points. 

You could see David's Passion thru his:

1. Desire. David asked to know God's ways here. Not just God's thoughts but his ways. David wanted to know how God would react to someone hurting his feelings, someone betraying him, someone letting him down. David's desire was much more than simply getting to know God like a casual acquaintance. Think back to your best friend or maybe even one of your parents. Do you love this person? Now, I know my mom. I know her ways. I can pretty much predict what she's going to say, what tone she's going to use, and even what face she is going to make whenever she is telling me something or she finds something out. And since I know her ways I love her for who she really is. I love her for her habits, thoughts, processes, and actions. I appreciate every aspect of her and who she is. This is the love that David desired for God. A love for the very essence and person God is. A love for the habits, ways, thoughts, processes, and workings of God.

2. His Devotion. Now David didn't skimp on the devotion here. In verses 11-12 he asked God for "an undivided heart". 11"...Unite my heart to fear your name." 12"I give thanks to you, O Lord my God, with my whole heart..." David didn't wan't to even think of the possibility of dividing his heart between God and something else. Important: David never lost his passion for God because he never gave it to something else. You don't lose your passion, you give it away to something else. 

3. David's Declaration. 12"I will glorify your name forever." 13"You have delivered me from the grave." David understood the depth of God's love and deliverance. We have to constantly remember how big of a deal it is for God to even allow salvation to happen. We must declare how great our God is on a daily basis. We must also share your faith so we can have a full understanding. Do you ever have those "A-HA!" moments whenever you're explaining a something complicated to someone else? Those moments of "Oh, well now I get it!" When we share our faith with other people, we too are reminded of how deep and awesome salvation is. 

Lastly, Carlos talked an essential part of leading. Recognizing where you're needed to lead. There are four types of people in your life (Not everyone has to fall into a category)

1. Seeders: People that plant dreams. For instance my seeder is Marshall, my grandma, family around me. They help me know that I can make it. 

2. Feeders: These people give us fuel to keep on going. A HUGE shout out to Lindsey Cobb, she has been one excellent sister/mentor and I know I wouldn't be the lady I am without her in my life. She fuels me, keeps me sane, and helps me keep on going. 

3. Leaders: These we don't always like. They stretch us, pull us, tell us when we're wrong. Now there's one main person in this category, and you probably guessed who it is for me... it's my Mom. She has always stretched me, pulled me, been completely honest, and corrected me whenever I needed it. And for that I couldn't be more grateful. In the moment it seemed more like wound but in actuality she was pulling, stretching, and correcting to allow for me to grow. 

4. Needers: These are the people that need to be led by you. They are all around you everywhere you go. Rarely will someone come up and say, "Hey, ummm I'm going to need you to lead me here." You have to look for these people and recognize when you are supposed to be the leader and when you are supposed to be led.

"Get your passion for God right, and he'll get our passion for life right."

Lead Today.

God and Benny

I've seen my share of heartache throughout this life and I know there is more to come. One of the hardest losses I've gone thru is losing my father. He had a brain disease that took away his life, spirit, and body yet he knew that he was going up to heaven to be with my brother and the people he loved and more importantly a permanent and gracious God.


There are some nights where I wonder if my dad would be proud of the lady I'm morphing into and hoping to become. He always called me his "Little Star" and I can only hope that I am shining as brightly now as he saw me then. I was definitely (and still am) my Daddy's Little Girl. One of the fondest memories I have is when he taught me how to whistle and whenever I FINALLY got the hang of it he gave me one great big hug and we began whistling all sorts of things together. Every time I whistle I can hear him harmonizing and going along with me. (He somehow managed to be as loud as a train whenever he whistled.) However, my daddy taught me much more than whistling. That man loved everything he came in contact with. (Except for the rather unfortunate incident involving a mouse, a kitchen, and a squealing little girl... oops.) And I take hold of that and try to spread the love wherever I go. 


I struggled coming up to college and knowing that I wasn't going to have a Daddy to call and talk to on the way to class or my many Athenian navigation disasters. But I discovered that I actually DID have a Daddy to do all that with. He just didn't go by the name of Benny. His name is God. That man will listen to me rant, rave, cry, laugh, sing, shout, and whatever else I want to do without even thinking "Oh goodness, here she goes again." 


Don't get me wrong, I still speak to Benny. Just in a rather unconventional way. The greatest thing my daddy taught me, besides whistling and loving of course, was to look at the stars and appreciate the beauty that was up there. I believe that some of the greatest conversations come from watching the stars because you're forced to think outside of your own world and consider a much much larger and ever expanding picture with billions of other people. Whenever I start really missing that man, encounter a super stressful day, or just feel like updating him on my life in general, I just wait until the end of the day, when the sun has gone to bed and the moon has come out and find the biggest and brightest star and say "Hey Daddy, it's your little girl." I tell him whatever comes to my mind and what is weighing on my heart. The sweet deal of it all is that I get the ears and hearts of two men that love me. God and Benny. 


I have lost my earthly father, but have gained the best daddy a girl could ask for. I have never seen him, but I know he's always there. I have never physically been held by him, but his arms have comforted me. 


So hats off to the greatest men girls could ask for... their Dads.


Live Today.

The Issue of Permanence

To say this weekend was "fun" would do a great disservice to the people I got to hang out with, meet, and have a great time with. I travelled down to Pensacola to hang out with my "brothers" from CK7 (And Stephen) and a GREAT time was had by all. I definitely needed the talks, time to relax, and the country concert that came from this weekend. I got to see Easton Corbin in concert! Let the drooling commence. He was a little hoarse, but hey no one is perfect and he still sang my favorite song from his album so this girl was happy. I also attended a high school rivalry game and talk about your electric crowds. And the most important game of the weekend? GEORGIA/FLORIDA. My Dawgs pulled it off and earned the bragging rights! (Thanks Marshall!) I may be a girl, but if there's one thing you need to know about me it's that I LOVE my sports. Watching, playing, coaching, whatever, this girl loves sports. 


Not only did this weekend bring much needed relaxation (and severe lack of studying, which I am making up for now) but it also brought a great appreciation for permanent friendships. I will be friends with these people my entire life and that is exciting. I mean who doesn't want something to last forever? AND, in typical God style the issue of permanence was brought up in my quiet time today. I'm still going through the great book of Romans (I'm a slow reader and I'm trying to dissect and digest every little nugget that comes out of this book so no judgement on the snail pace) and today I finished up chapter eleven and found some extremely great verses.


Romans 11:29-"For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable."


Now looking up the word irrevocable in the dictionary you will find this definition, "not able to be changed, reversed, or recovered; final" The last word is the greatest. FINAL. God's gifts and his calling are final. God shows his steadfast love and mercy here. Thru our messes he let's us keep whatever he's given us. In fact not only does he let us keep it, but he also gives us MORE. These gifts are as permanent as God's love, which means they aren't going anywhere. Now in a world that is all about "leaving the past behind" there is something nostalgic and comforting of the words "God's love is permanent." I worry about the changes coming up in my life and who I'll meet, keep in touch with, lose touch with, work with, but thru all of this I have the comfort of a permanent, endless, and final love.


Now for my favorite of the quiet time. Romans 11:36-"For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen." 


Just as I focused on one word in the previous verse, I'm pretty sure you know which one I'm going to choose out of this particular nugget of gold. ALL. God is more than just something, here we find out that he is everything. He gives us everything. Looking back at my life and seeing everything that God has given me is so overwhelming. God knows what to give us when we need it, yet he holds certain things from us until we are ready. (Even when we think we are ready enough.) And for that, I am thankful. All things. Mountains, Autumn, Halloween, purses, shoes, (you didn't think I could go without thanking him for something I really like now did you?) relationships, people, friendships, laughter, the sky, stars, cities, music, laughter, joy, tears, life, and hope. These things aren't even a few of the things God has given us. And the best part? We didn't earn it. Talk about mind blowing. In a merit based world all this seems a little nuts. However, let's think of it this way. No work yet forever and permanently blessed beyond compare... who wouldn't want that deal?


Live Today.

Mud, Dancing, and Food. Oh My!

This weekend I went to the BYX formal up in the great city of Gatlinburg, Tennessee and had such an amazing weekend that leaving Gatlinburg was not favorably looked upon (not to mention the horrendous traffic coming out of the city didn't help my desire to not want to leave.)


We (a group of 6 awesome people; Collin, Amanda, Erica, Alexander, Clay, and myself) traveled up on Friday and the adventure began. We picked up Erica and Amanda from their place with us dying with laughter and "Dueling Banjos" blasting through the speakers. And if that wasn't a warning of how much fun this weekend was going to be I couldn't tell you what was. The first stop, we got out and filled up with gas and walked away with free suckers. Don't ask me how that worked, just know that I was perfectly fine to have one especially since it was free. After we got to Gatlinburg and got settled in, I got one of the best view of the stars and overview of a city that I've ever seen in my life. You could see where the glow from the city stopped and the stars began and the further up you looked the more stars popped up and gleamed. And seeing that looking at the stars is one of my most favorite things in the entire world, something that constantly ran through my head was how lucky I was to be able to even get a chance have a view like this. 


After that a dance party proceeded to take place in the cabin of Tennessee Mountain Dream and hilarity ensued. After the party died and somewhat of a night's sleep the second day began. Our group got up and went to get pancakes (apparently this is an extremely popular thing in Gatlinburg) and then we set out on a hike. In the first fifteen minutes, Collin had taken off his shoes and he and Clay we bouncing from rock to rock up the river and the rest of us were following along on the more civilized path. The path got steep and muddy and I even asked Amanda (our fearless leader) to just stop for a minute so I could suck in some more wind because the thing I was doing could hardly be considered breathing. After getting through the trail and scaling a rock face we finally got to the top. (Clay and Collin caught up with us quicker than I thought possible since we had left them to their fun in the river.)


This amazing view right here is what I got to see whenever I arrived at the top of a 2 mile hike. Look at it. The picture doesn't even begin to do it justice. Walking through the mud, losing my breath, and scaling a rock face to get up to see this  was so much more than worth it. I was looking out over this scene and I said it was amazing, I was quickly told "It's more than that, it's majestic." And they couldn't have been more spot on with that adjective. After sitting up in this beauty our group and a few other friends headed back down and somehow ended up singing 90's songs and probably scaring hikers that were headed to the top along the way. 


Whenever we got down from the top, showered, and changed for formal, we went to a restaurant that was literally heaven on Earth. Mama's Farmhouse. Family style southern dinner, where the food never ran our and just like at any souther Mama's house they made you eat more than is healthy for you (or your formal dress) and every single bite somehow tasted better than the last. We stuffed our faces and headed to the dance where we had way too much fun and danced until the last song ended. 


To sum it up, this past weekend was a blast. Not necessarily the most academically motivating weekend but we all need a break from the grind every once and a while, right? I think it just tied me over so I can get to the next weekend. Pensacola. I've got to be doing something good because things are going so right.


Live Today.

Praying for Snails

Now sometimes we pray for things and we are given them in the most direct ways possible. For instance, you can commonly hear "Don't pray for patience, because God will send things to test it." Well duh, God is going to answer your prayer. He promises to answer them. "Seek and you shall find, ask and it shall be given." Seem familiar? I was reading through my journal the other day and saw where I had prayed for some outrageous things and yet when they were given to me I griped about wanting something different. It looks to me that God has given me exactly what I asked for but when it's not in the way, fashion, or timing that I necessarily want it's all the sudden the absolute wrong thing to give. 


And at the same time we paint God up to be an only gentle, caring, loving, forgiving God. He is all of this, but the key word here is only. God gets angry. God delivers punishment. God allows us to live with the consequences. One thing I prayed for over the summer was for God to change my life. In my head, I meant the spiritual and reliance on him aspects, not the literal physical and daily routines of my life. Boy, was I delivered a big doozy on that one. I left camp with completely different connections, outlooks, and people than I ever expected (or wanted) to leave with. He showed me just how flawed my priorities and values really were and that he was absolutely not okay with it. He reprimanded me like a father and I had to get a grip of the fact that all the changes (especially the painful ones) were part of the consequences that I had to live with. Were these consequences bad? No, they just stunk. But here again, I see that I prayed for my life to be changed and that's exactly what I was given. 


My roommates and I were talking at the supper table yesterday and the topic of how different we were since last year came up, and how we much more we had changed since high school. If you had told me in high school that I was going to be going for a nursing degree, driving a Kia, writing a blog, tearing my ACL, working at CentriKid, losing a good friend, moving to Athens, listening to country music, and occasionally wearing Vans and skinny jeans within the next two years, and have a completely different group of friends I probably would have said "Well, isn't that something?" walked away and tell myself I had just met the strangest person in my life. But that's only a taste of what I've done and how I've changed. 


Lexi put it a way that made me think, "God allowed things to happen for protection." I didn't want half of these things to happen (Honestly, I did want to go to UF...sorry Grandma and Aunt Lynn) but I looking at where I am now and how joyful and peaceful I am with my life I can't imagine things any differently. Even my mom comments on how much I have changed, I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "This is the Ashley that I've been wanting to see!" or "You are a completely different person, you're truly happy now and it shows thru your voice, laughter, even in the way you carry yourself." Those words show me that through everything that I've been through God was and still is protecting me and guiding me to become the lady I am now and will continue to become. 


The person I am isn't the same. The things I want aren't the same. And the things I pray for aren't the same. This is including the snails.


Live Today.

Clear Eyes. Full Heart. Can't Lose.

I'm going to go ahead and give a shout out to James Burris for the title. 


Oh and to everyone I talked to yesterday (Parker Wayne, Lindsey Isbell, James, Lindsey Cobb, Bekah, and Mom) your wise words mean a lot more than you know. (Lindsey Isbell, thanks for calling me out.)


So, tomorrow is the day that I give this eulogy for Marshall. It is typed up, outlined, put on notecards, and just ready to be delivered. The closer that the time approaches, the further away from the task I want to run. And I also learned something today, tomorrow is Luke's birthday. Luke is Marshall's son who is turning three tomorrow and I know that it is going to be extremely hard on Karen to celebrate without feeling some grief in her heart.

And that's where I begin. If someone had described this week as "crazy" I would look at them and say you are darn right. Even though academically it has not been as stressful, emotions have flown like a river. I have prayed for strength and it has been given. This week has been one of full reliance on a God that knows a plan. Even though I know he has a plan, that doesn't stop the hurt and it doesn't answer the question why it hurts. 


I got to talk to Parker Wayne last night for a long long time and chat with Lindsey Cobb a little today and it was such a blessing to catch up with them and know that even if I go too long without talking to them it's not awkward whenever we talk, it's like we just pick up wherever we left off. We discussed a serious topic and it is "How dare you waste the life that you've been given?" Think about that. We were given this. We didn't ask for it, we didn't even ask for the experiences that we were given. But we are blessed enough to have gotten life, unique experiences, and friends that can always put us in our place and remind us who should be first. 


Needless to say, I am really looking forward to the weekend. I'm going to Gatlinburg, Tennessee for the first time for a formal weekend. I'm such a lover of the mountains that I'm just excited to get on the road and get up there! I'm actually going shopping at a thrift store for some flannels and other mountainous apparel because I'm sensing with the sudden temperature drop and pouring condensation the summer clothes I have just simply aren't going to cut it. 


So even though this week has presented challenges, I have Clear Eyes (the knowledge that I can keep going and it's going to be a-okay) a Full Heart (excitement for the weekend and just the future in general) and I know I Can't Lose. Even Marshall's favorite verse resonates this message. 


"³¹What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?"
Romans 8:31


Live Today. 

Writing to Remember

In my lovely list of classes, I am enrolled in SPCM 1100, also known as Introduction to Public Speaking. Now those of you that know me fairly well have probably ascertained that I like to talk. I like to talk about anything. But even more than I like to talk, I love to listen. I love to hear people's stories, experiences, and just hilarious events that have happened in their lives. I like to watch them relive a story when they tell it, especially when it's either something they are passionate about or have a strong memory of, the ones with those components are the best stories. Back to the point, in my speech class we are given various types of speeches that we have to deliver. For example, my forensic speech, where I had to research and come up with a formal accusation of wrong doing, was on the topic of No Child Left Behind. (Got an A on it... woop woop!) 


But this current topic is going to be the hardest speech I will have to write up to this point in my life. It is a ceremonial speech, more specifically, a eulogy. A huge part of my testimony is sharing about the people in my life that have impacted my life and/or have passed away. But never have I been asked to tell the story of their lives. I thought about what topic to pick and I knew that there really was only one that I could do. I'm giving Marshall Coile's Eulogy. Now for those of you who didn't know Marshall, he was an amazing man. He always made the people around him smile and laugh, he put others before himself, and he embodied a man after God's own heart. This is why writing this speech is going to be so tricky. I do not want, in any way, to cheapen or understate how great of a man Marshall was. I want to relate just how much of an impact he made on my life and the lives of people around him. 


I met Marshall and his wife Karen on a rafting trip years ago and they were a lot of fun. They helped out with the youth group and always were hanging around and just being great role models and mentors for FBC youth. We always knew that if we were having a rough day we could talk to Marshall or Karen and they would cheer us up. He always told me that God's plan is the one to follow, even if I was going off to college that didn't mean I could just abandon the spiritual base and the faith I got from home, in fact he challenged me to let my faith and dependence on God grown whenever I came up to Athens. Now if there is one thing Marshall loved, it was UGA football. A die-hard DAWG fan thru and thru. He always joked with me that in order to love UGA, I was going to have to become a Bulldog and boy was he right about that. Whenever I moved up here to Athens... I caught the bug. Now you should just imagine Marshall's surprise (and huge smile) whenever I told him that I had been converted, that is something I will never forget.


 But, I will also never forget when I found out he was diagnosed with cancer. I thought for sure he could beat it, I believed to the very core of my being that he was going to come out alright and we would laugh about it in a few years. I started writing PFM (Pray For Marshall) everywhere and prayed and pleaded with God to help Marshall beat his cancer. And yet to my utter dismay that wasn't God's plan. Whenever he was in the hospital for one of the last times he said that his heart was in a place much bigger than this Earth and he was okay. Nor will I forget the call that I got, on a cold and bright Monday morning at 7:34 am as I was heading to my Athletic Training Lab, when I was told that Marshall had passed away. 


He was gone. The man that had pushed me to be a Georgia Bulldog, inspired me to be a nurse, and had encouraged me to continue to seek God no matter where I was in the world was gone. 


And in writing this eulogy I am reliving every single emotion that I felt and continue to feel in that moment. But even though I sometimes cry as I write, I smile because I remember the times that we laughed and joked. (For example, the "VBS Security" guards) And that is where Marshall lives on. In those tears and in those memories. When I first began writing this speech I could hardly make it through one practice run but now as I remember a quote from my mom I know that I really can make it thru this:


"Sorrow is like the ocean. Sometimes the tide comes in and you are tossed about, your feet can't touch the bottom, and you feel like you're going to drown. But just as the tide goes in, the tide does go out. You are able to stand up again, and you know that you will survive."


I will survive. I am having emotions come up again that are painful and that are going to be rough to deal with, but like my mom says, "I will survive." My tide is high right now and I am trying to stay afloat. And sometimes the fact of knowing how big he smiles whenever I scream in excitement for Georgia is enough to comfort me that even if I fail this speech, his memories and impact on my life will never fade and will never die. So in honor of my speech, but more importantly, in memory of Marshall I will always and forever say...


"GO DAWGS!"


Live Today.

Leaders Are...

If you are in Athens, around Athens, or have even heard me talk about Athens, you know that the church I go to is called Watkinsville First Baptist Church. But, what you may not know is that we are going thru a series about how to be a leader and be a darn good one at that. Each week I know that I'm going to come out of that service with a little more knowledge of what a Godly leader is supposed to look, act, and think like. This past week's sermon probably spoke more to me than any of the other previous one's. Here's the topic:


Leaders Are Ready.    


I want to preface by saying this is not a quality that I certainly thought about for a leader. I think of bold, courageous, servant-hearted, humble, prayers, but the quality of ready never pops up on my top 10 list. But looking back, I certainly see where this comes into play. Every time you are put in a situation, you have to have someone leading you, whether that be God or another person, and that leader has to not only be ready to steer others in the right direction, but also be ready to pick up a new hat or adapt to a change with every single step that is taken. Now, a personal story for me goes to CentriKid. (of course!) I interviewed, waited, and originally got wait-listed, and then in late March/early April I got a call from Meredith Teasley asking me if I wanted a job as a Team Leader for the summer. At first, I asked to get back with her so I could pray and I found out that I didn't have much time to make my decision. I talked with other people (shoutout to my mom, BJ, and Lindsey) and they all told me that this is what I had been praying for and that I was ready and I should take the job. Needless to say, I took the job and had the best (and hardest working) summer of my entire life. 


That's the connection. My life up to that point had been priming me and making me ready to be a leader, and when I was presented for the opportunity to be a Team Leader for CentriKid my heart, mind, and spirit were ready for the job that lay ahead of me. Was it easy? Heavens no. Was it worth it? Heavens yes. My life experience's had also made me ready to minister to a girl that was (and is) going through something very similar to my life story. 


One of my favorite stories to tell is one about a girl that lost her mom during the camp week. I broke the news to her and honestly thought that I was going to say my goodbye to her then, but she chose to stay and play OMC that morning and would leave after that. I didn't know that she had chosen to stay until I got a phone call and was told that she was requesting to talk to me one last time before she left. 


I talked with her about her mom, listened to her stories, prayed for her and with her, and finally told her the verse that was given to me at CentriKid many years before then as I was going thru losing my brother, that verse was Romans 8:28. "For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." She lit up when I told her my life story about losing my brother in 2003 and my dad in 2007 and my great friend Marshall in January, and showed her how that verse gave me constant hope. But here's the part I will NEVER EVER forget, she looked up at me and said,


 "Miss Taylor, you know how we talked about Esther last night and how she was prepared to save her people?"


"Yes, what about it?"


"I think you were prepared for such a time as me."


I tear up every single time I think about this. She made the connection. (This picture was snapped right as she was telling me this.) That was what I was being primed and ready for. To lead that girl. Yes, I lead other people throughout the summer but my losing my brother, father, and friend was all for her and the people that came to camp that were going through or recently had gone through those experiences whenever other people on my team weren't able to relate. 


Did I necessarily know that I was being made ready to be a CentriKid Team Leader? Nope. But I knew from Romans 8:28 that I was being made for something, and I just had to be ready and willing to lead when God allowed that opportunity to come. 


Just because you don't understand why things are happening never means that it's happening without a purpose. Be ready to go whenever that purpose arises.


Live Today.

Well Stars Above

Another weekend done, and another pageant participated in. Now, believe me when I say pageant girls put forth a TON of effort before the competition that goes a bit unrecognized. So, here's to you girls that put in countless hours in the gym, constant supervision of your diet (to rock that swimsuit portion of course), practice your talent portion, work on your modeling, keep up with current events, can answer pretty much any question given to you in about 0.345892347 seconds, and all the while you're juggling school, social life, and that little thing called sleep. I say little because with all that going on you only get a little bit of it. We pageant girls know how to do a lot of things, but one of the best things is to have fun getting to know each other and helping each other backstage.


I competed in the Miss University of Georgia pageant this weekend and I had so much fun and couldn't be more grateful for that experience. That being said, we get to the whole scenario that was the highlight of my night. But here's a backstory...


I completed my interview Friday evening and then got to spend the rest of the night with my aunt, two cousins, and my mom. We went to Mellow Mushroom and had a great dinner, followed by me standing in the hotel room calling out bones and their placement while my mom added them up with a calculator (I never did get to 206 that night) and just general merriment with the family. The next morning, I got up went to dress rehearsal and when the evening gown portion came up I put mine on and got help zipping it up when... it stopped. That zipper didn't budge, so I took the gown off and messed with the zipper, put the gown back on, and miraculously it zipped all the way up without a flaw. 


I walked back to the hotel to get some lunch and lay down, and my cousin suggested Weaver D's for lunch. We went to the neon green building and enjoyed some good southern cooking (not too much mind you, I still had to get in that beast of an evening gown.) After a nap, I woke up and got ready for the exciting night! I arrived at the dressing room, got ready for opening number and the night began without a hitch. Then came evening gown. The people helping out backstage knew that it was going to take a specialized team to get me in mine so they were waiting. And dare I say it? The zipper got stuck again. We fiddled with it, and got it up... and then it happened... right as contestant number 2 was getting on the stage my zipper BUSTED. For those who don't know much about gowns, a busted zipper equals death for a gown. A look of sheer panic came on the helper's face and let the fun begin. 


Other contestants came to my rescue though, with double sided tape, safety pins, even calming words. I asked to have my mother come backstage and help pin me in and all of the sudden I had at least 14 different hands holding this zipper together and each of those hands had a safety pin that got put in place and with only seconds to spare somehow they pinned that dress together. (I did say I don't care if I get stabbed... well I ate my own words with that one. My mom stabbed me with her first pin) I continued to have an enormous amount of help (and laughs) from the contestants and helpers backstage, and I walked out on that stage with a safety pinned evening gown feeling like a million bucks. I didn't win, but believe me when I say that is the best experience I've ever had backstage. 


So thank you to every one who helped pin me in that dress (even you mom, although I do have a hole in my side) and helped me feel like a million dollars whenever the zipper of my dress wasn't worth a penny. 


Live Today.

Purple Sheets

Every Friday one of my teachers from high school that I love dearly, Mrs. Melba Murphy sends out what she calls purple sheets. Purple sheets are thought provoking, self-esteem boosting, and just in general brilliant yet simple concepts. I miss Friday's walking into high school and knowing that fourth period (or third my junior year) I would get purple sheets. Yet, her teaching didn't stop there. Mrs. Murphy is a teacher that challenges you in academics and life, and she encompasses and possess qualities that teachers should have. Her thoughtfulness for me and other students will never be forgotten. Yet, neither will her tests. If you talk to a WCHS student about Melba Murphy I can pretty much guarantee that you will hear at least these two things, Purple Sheets and Murphy Tests. It didn't matter what subject she was teaching they never were a History Test, Psychology Test, or Sociology Test, they were Murphy Tests. Granted, those things gave me some stressful and long nights but the fact that I face a "Murphy Test" with every single college exam I now take lets me know that she was thinking well beyond the confines of that high school and wanted to know that her students would be prepared for the challenge and the level of excellence that was expected of us at the next level. 


Not only did Mrs. Murphy teach me, but she also taught my brother Andy. When I was little he would stay up and study and he would tell me to get ready, the easy stuff was going to end. I was in fourth grade and was thinking that he was just lazy. But, like every other student of her's he not only talked about the academic rigor of her class, but the purple sheets and what he learned that would never apply in the classroom. She impacted his life and even though it was cut short, the impact she made very much counted. Andy took the life skills that he learned in her class outside of there and applied them to the people that he met on the street, on the soccer field, and even to the nurses and doctors that attended to him in the hospital. He always made the people around him laugh and he didn't even stop whenever he was told he was paralyzed and could never play soccer again. One of her favorite phrases is "Life is about accepting your new reality." And I think that thanks to this phrase, not only did Andy make the best of his paralysis, but also our family made the best of what we could when we lost him. 


So thank you Mrs. Murphy for what you have done and continue to do in the high school and in your community around you. I, for one, respect you and cherish the values that were taught in your class and even outside of it. Thank you for the advice, the laughs, the stress, and the Purple Sheets. They have touched lives of the people in your class, and I have seen first hand an innumerable amount of lives that have been touched outside of your classroom walls. 


For those of you that are curious as to what is on a Purple Sheet here is one that I received today.

The Nail in the Fence

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper.  His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail in to the back of the fence.  The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence.  Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down.  He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all.  He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.  The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.  The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence.  He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence.  The fence will never be the same.  When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one.  

You can put a knife in a man and draw it out.  It won't matter how many times you say "I'm sorry", the wound is still there.  A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.  Sticks and stones can break your bones and words can break your spirit.  And though we may have the right to be angry, we don't have the right to be cruel.

In what you say of another, apply the tet of kindness, necessity, and truth, and let nothing pass your lips without a 2/3 majority. (Liz Armbruster)

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The Law of Life

The tree that never had to fight

For sun and sky and air and light,

That stood out in the open plain

And always got its share of rain

Never became a forest king,

But lived and died a scrubby thing.

The man who never had to toil

Who never had to win his share

Of sun ad sky and light and air

Never became a manly man,

But lived and died as he began.

Good timber does not grow in ease

The stronger the wind, the tougher the trees

The farther the sky, the greater the length

The more the storm, the more the strength,

By sun and cold, by rains and snows,

In tree or man good timber grows.

Live Today.

Annnndddd GO.

Since I came back from working camp this summer, the phrase "I hit the ground running" literally has come true. Even though I'm only taking 12 hours, I'm taking three high demand classes, two labs, and a spin class. (And for those who don't think that spinning is hard, please come join me every Tuesday and Thursday morning I will give you props is Manuela doesn't make you want to just lay down of the floor afterwards.) Being a planner I had everything ready to go (or so I thought) for these classes but I've been presented with obstacles inside and outside of school that have made me live by the motto "You can do it all. Just not all at once." Admitting that has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. You're admitting a flaw. You're admitting you can't do it. And as a human that was so very hard for me to get over. Reading in Romans throughout my quiet time has made me admit that I couldn't save myself and that I'm not in control, but to admit to myself that I can't do everything at one time is a whole different ball game.


Now, suffice it to say that the midterms have begun. Not only has school picked up, but also my pageant career has as well. I competed in a pageant last weekend and had the time of my life and this weekend I'm doing the same thing. Now, don't get me wrong I love competing. If you know me, you know that I am just a competitive person and love to have something to do. Do I have to win? No. Do I have to have fun? Yes. And as cliche as it sounds, that and scholarship is really what these pageants are all about for me. I'm excited to see if this is where God wants me to go or if he has yet another direction picked out for my life. That's what I'm beginning to love. The chase of where I'm being led. I mean I will be the first to admit that I am a planner and that I like to have things down pretty much three years in advance (...but really) but being more open to a change and truly being able to welcome and obstacle has made life so much more fun. I know I can't do it all at once, and while I don't always want to admit it I'm not someone who can just turn down fun. I would rather have conquer an obstacle having fun than thinking that a pebble in the road is the end-all-be-all of my day. Besides laughter is the best medicine, right?


Live Today.