Lord Willin' And The Creek Don't Rise

Finals week is in full swing. But let's be honest here. This is prime procrastination time. So while my class today was cancelled and I didn't leave my apartment, I somehow packed up my desk, tops of my dressers, underneath my desk, began a deep clean, worked out, showered, and studied. I honestly have no idea how that all even happened in one day. I just know that after rolling out of bed and finding out that class was cancelled, I began to check off my to-do list and all of the sudden it was dark outside.

This one isn't about finals though. This post is about a lesson that I've been learning over the past semester: Vulnerability.

Most of us hear that word and think, "Hmm. That is some lofty word that people use when they are thinking about saying something that might allow their feelings to get hurt, but then they might not actually say whatever it is." Well, at least that what went thru my head when we began reading a book about speaking freely in small group this past semester. 

When we started this book we all talked about how we were hoping to see big changes in how we communicate with one another, but I didn't expect what was coming. I got to know the people I had met with for 2 years even better and I loved them all the more. So, I decided to apply vulnerability in my own life.

It hasn't been easy. In fact, the thought of being laughed at or hurt has been crippling sometimes but speaking up has given me great freedom. I have shared things that have weighed heavy on my heart. I have become more willing to ask for help. I finally have become more aware of how to respond when others are vulnerable with you.

I've been struggling with a control issue lately and thru this semester I've been asking for prayers, advice, and help when I would normally have sat back and let it simmer in my head. Talking things out has been instrumental in my coming to terms that some things are just completely and utterly out of my control. I still slip up. I forget that this timeline that I'm trying to plan out does not merely concern me. In fact, it's not even really mine! To me the omniscience of God is a characteristic that I long to possess, even though it is not mine to have. I still let my mind run in 1,000 different directions but at the end of the day, I am helped, I am supported, and I am loved. 

Admitting this is hard. Thinking about how I'm even going to change my mindset it harder. How are we supposed to give up control? How do you let go? Prayer.

"6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Phil. 4:6-7

This semester has changed my life and it won't stop until December 18, 2014 when I have officially closed my apartment door and head back to Jesup to begin working. I am thankful for all that I've been taught. 

Here's a verse that I've kept in mind throughout my struggle.

14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15 Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”  James 4:14-15


Live Today.

Can I Get On A Train?

"I'm just getting on a train and leaving forever."

I'm a big fan of the Big Bang Theory, but mostly for its comedic value. But the line I quoted above struck a chord in me. There have been so many times this semester that I've wanted to get on a train and leave forever. 

I'm graduating, moving, choosing a new career, applying to graduate schools, taking the GRE, and so much more. But sometimes it just feels like it's all happening at once. It's thrilling and terrifying all at the same time. For some reason, I took my eye off the prize and got lost in the drudging details of it all.

This past week I've had to analyze "Boo-koos" of images and neurons individually and painstakingly to try and make sure everything was right.(I'm not really going to say the number because even thinking about it overwhelms me.) My mom once told me, "If you don't have time to do it right the first time, where are you going to get the time to do it again?" Thankfully, there is time to do it again. But all of these decisions I'm making that lead to these changes area a one time only deal. I don't get a chance to do them again. 

However, it's going to be okay. While the beauty is in the details, nothing can substitute for the bigger picture. These life changes come and go. They happen in perfect timing. Even if we force them to come early. I have an extensive support group and those people are the reason I'm not getting on a train and running away forever. They tell me to breathe and look up. These changes are going to help me in my new phase of life. As big and scary as it may be, I will be prepared by the time they get here.

"What can I do Leonard? Everything is changing and it's simply too much."

Don't get on the train and run away. Take a deep breath.

Live Today.

Do It Again, Sweetheart

After competing again and placing first runner up at Miss Georgia in June, I took on another title of "Georgia Sweetheart". That title didn't stop me from going to school for my last first day... again. 

It was strange to walk the halls with a sense of confidence intertwined with a twinge of bitterness. After all, I wasn't supposed to be there. I was supposed to have already walked across the stage, gotten the diploma, and begun the job search. Yet here I was, the Georgia Sweetheart, back at school for my second last first day. It's odd to describe the feelings I had that day. I didn't have class until 2:15pm, parking was a JOKE, and scared science freshmen were running around looking for the ever elusive room 109. (It is an actual room, but people think the first floor is a myth... it's not.)

I immediately threw myself into rearranging a schedule, adding this and dropping that, looking at other classes to see what I could take just to take it. Within the first week, I only stuck with one class that I was originally registered for this Fall. Oh, well. Then the first week was over and I was off to the National Sweetheart Pageant.

If you've ever heard of Hoopeston, Illinois then you've heard the word "corn". Now if you haven't heard of Hoopeston, then you are missing out. This was the quaintest town that I've ever seen. The people were so open and so nice that it was almost like being at home. Except for the 5:30 am wakeup to be ready at 6:30. I would text my mom and she would say, "You do know it's not yet 6 where you are?" because she KNOWS that I would never voluntarily wake up that early. Even with the early mornings, the week was amazing and it did change my life. 

I met girls that I will be friends with for a lifetime. We all joked about being "Friends Forever" and now I can't imagine my life any other way. The girls there were at a level that I had never experienced before. Each one had an amazing story of life and loss along with ambition and drive to overcome their circumstances to pull themselves up. When you're in a room with 43 women who have the same ambition and drive that you do, then you are going to make friends that stick. 

My week is over, I didn't win, but I had a life changing experience. An adventure that put women in my life that make me laugh until I cry, joke with me, can empathize with my frustrations, and most importantly respect the Miss America Organization for the empowering system that is is for so many women.

Sometimes you have to do something again and it leaves you a little bitter. But sometimes you do something again and get the greatest memories of your life from it.

Live Today.

Defying the Odds

It's hard for me to comprehend that three weeks ago, my world changed. I had finished my interview, the first night of prelims was wrapping up, and I was headed to visitation. I felt confident, but never had any clue what would happen on Saturday night. The following two nights I did my best and kept pushing myself with less and less hours of sleep. I received gifts like it was my birthday everyday and I carried a teddy bear around with me because I needed something to remind me of home.

I loved every minute of it.

Watching girls getting called out for the top 10 was one of the largest emotional roller coasters I've ever ridden. In fact, I had counted myself out and then at #9 they called my name. My knees have never quaked more in my life. An eerie sense of peace crept over the initial shock and it was off to the races. I hate to run over the events that happened on and off stage, SO a quick shout out to my AMAZING dressing room that had things ready and waiting for me when I came off stage. Also, they Sally Hansened (yes, that became a verb) me and gave me one HECK of a tan. Thanks to Betty for being my chili dog, Adeline for inspiring me with a great voicemail (I went out there, did my best, and had fun), and the laughter that came from the amazing hostesses.

At the end of it all, there I was, standing face to face with the reality that no matter what the outcome, I could be Miss Georgia. Holding hands with one of my best friends, talking non-stop, feeling like my heart was in my butt. Hearing my name called for first runner-up was like an out of body experience. Maggie's face is something I will cherish forever, and looking to the crowd I knew that this was the way things were meant to be.

I've enjoyed my years in and out of the pageant system. There is no doubt in my brain that I was there for the right reason at the right time. Statistically, I shouldn't have even been in the top ten since 4 other girls from my group were called out before me. I then defied the odds a second time by making the top 5. But looking back on my life, that's what I've done. I've defied the odds.

At 11 years old I lost a brother and had a father with a degenerative brain disease. I should've grown up an emotional wreck. At 14 I lost my father. According to every possible statistic, I should've fallen back into my hole and clung to depression. At 17 I had my soccer scholarships and chances ripped away by a torn ACL in a freak accident in the first game of the season. I continued to play and still got offers. At 20 I had a tumor removed from my breast. Yet I still pushed away pity and depression and shared a message of hope.

Every day I defy the odds by smiling, laughing. and LOVING. By all accounts I should NOT be the person I am today. I didn't do this all by myself. I reached (and still continue) to reach out for help. Somedays, I just go home and cry. But everyday I wake up is a day that I can change the world. This year I decided to try and change the world thru pageants and I did. I have received contact from people nation-wide about how my platform has impacted their lives and THAT is what's important. I would have loved to have won Miss Georgia, but the messages I received post-competition remind me that it's not about the crown, It's about the person that's underneath it.

At the ripe age of 22, I am saying goodbye to the competition side of the pageant world. (Barring the very large chance that Maggie wins Miss America and I become Miss Georgia.) I have defied the odds there. For me, there is a whole different world that is calling my name. Science. For me, science is the escape from the world where I can imagine anything and everything at the same time. It's the place where I enter and 12 hours pass by like 20 minutes. Call me a lab rat, but I like being one.

I am a scientist. I am a pageant queen. It looks like the odds could actually be in my favor.

Live Today.

Not Too Special

We all have days where we feel "not too special". The only remedy I know for that is love. However, not a love that is simply said, but a love that is communicated thru your eyes, touch, and respect.

I saw my cousin get married this weekend and I can tell you right now, the love I saw in the bride and groom had all three of the previously described elements. Watching "A" (no, not the evil one. Clarification for all you PLL fans) walk down the aisle, I began to weep. I wish I could find a better word but tears began to stream and it was almost like everything in the world was absolutely right. My cousin was marrying a man that will protect her, guide her, and support her. What more could a person want? Someone who will truly love her.

He will make her feel special every day that he is able, and I hope she will never have a full 24 hours of feeling "not too special". But then I think, "Does is always take a relationship to keep that feeling at bay?" Well, yes and no.

Yes in the sense that it takes a relationship. The answer is also no because it doesn't mean you have to walk down an aisle to be truly loved. 

I read The Shack this weekend as well. I won't say that it completely transformed my life, but it did give me a better look into the workings of relationships. 

“If you and I are friends, there is an expectancy that exists within our relationship. When we see each other or are apart, there is expectancy of being together, of laughing and talking. That expectancy has no concrete definition; it is alive and dynamic and everything that emerges from our being together is a unique gift shared by no one else. But what happens if I change that ‘expectancy’ to an ‘expectation’–spoken or unspoken? Suddenly, law has entered into our relationship. You are now expected to perform in a way that meets my expectations. Our living friendship rapidly deteriorates into a dead thing with rules and requirements."

It's hard for me to live without expectations. I expect to have an outcome, I expect to make a grade, I expect so many things without realizing what I am doing. I am experiencing relationships that have rules and guidelines. While that might be okay in the school context, expectation can hinder relationships that are even the slightest bit different from what I imagine. I've always been told, "Do things for people without EVER expecting anything back." A friendship is not the number of times you do something for someone.

A relationship that communicates true love is not one of expectations. You will inevitably be let down. The let down will be followed by disappointment and the disappointment followed by hurt. For me, I would like to stop the cycle. I want to walk away from the expectations and experience a unique and dynamic relationship with people. 

Live Today.

A Green Eyed Monster

Growing up I heard, "Jealousy is the best form of flattery." Well after the past 16 years, I've come to the conclusion that jealousy is actually no where close to flattery. In fact, I can't think of any example of how jealousy was actually flattering to someone. 

Jealousy causes strange things to happen. Best friends drift apart, relationships crumble, and neither party really comes out on top. We've all realized at some point or another that someone else's life isn't always what it seems. For instance, my life can really look glamorous with all the events, dresses, make-up, and high heels but my life is really a daily struggle to stay on top of it all. In college you have a choice. Sleep, good grades, or a social life. Now you get to choose two of these but then add on a Miss America Organization Title and your choices grow. Sleep (ha!), good grades, social activities, great talent, great swim suit body, great interview, or good modeling. Some of these aren't actually things you choose because you are either naturally talented or simply cut your losses and move on with things. But you find yourself jealous of the people who look like they're doing it all and they've got it all together. Sometimes those people really are able to stay on top of their lives and excel in every area and those are the people who have realized that jealousy isn't flattery.

I have noticed a trend with my life. If I'm jealous of someone, I'm more likely to think negatively and even put them in a negative spotlight in every area. 

Recently, I've changed my MO from internal degrading to external praise. If you praise someone, you've got to think positively about them. It started out with realizing that I was in a negative mental cycle and I gave out three compliments a day. That started a revolutionary way of thinking. I truly no longer cared enough about the negative of people to even notice it, much less think about it. The green eyed monster began to die. 

I still struggle with jealousy but it's a much more manageable battle now. I've actually started to use the "Thumper Rule" when it comes to what I think about people. "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." I'd like to expand on that rule. "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Tell yourself to mentally stop, find something good to say, and say it." 

Actions speak louder than words. Actions can win battles. 

Don't stop at simply thinking positive thoughts, actually say them out loud. A kind word can mend a broken heart, relationship, or day.

Live Today.

The More I Don't Know

There's a popular quote floating among upper level science professors. I heard it at the beginning of every class I took this semester. 

"The more I learn, the more I realize how much I don't know."

I heard this at the beginning of the semester and like 90% of the class I laughed for a good ten seconds and nodded my head for another 30. Simply because that quote resonates so well with me. The further I go along in my studies the more I have seen that the answers to questions are "we don't know". It's not that scientists as a whole have a lower IQ level or a lesser ability to display higher thinking; the answer comes from the fact that we have accepted just how little information we have about the world around us. 

I also took a moment and thought why I was only hearing this NOW? Why at our junior/senior years are we just hearing "you don't really know as much as you think you do"? Did our professors want to knock us down before our job search began? Did they want to intimidate us about the material of the class? The answer to both questions is no. They had other ways of intimidation and an arsenal of Rate My Professor reviews to back them up. And the job search simply isn't a concern for them. Don't get me wrong, professors (in general) want their students to succeed and go on to bigger and better things, but on the first day of class... they really don't care yet. 

Then I remembered what it was like to be a freshman/sophomore in college. I would have laughed at their opening statements. Not because I thought it was true, but because I didn't care. Freshman year I was looking to get good grades and make it thru. Sophomore year, I had academic success figured out and was looking to create some semblance of a social life. I wasn't looking to learn, I was looking to get by. 

Fast forward a couple of years and I am now looking to learn as much as possible. I am reading scientific papers. (Still not my favorite literature...AT ALL) I am in the lab every day to look after an experiment that excites me. Every day I learn. And every day I realize how much I don't know. Which, oddly enough, alleviates pressure. Some day I might be the person to look to for information but today is not that day and tomorrow isn't looking too good either. If/when I do become that person I hope I remember that not knowing everything helps you to be a better learner. I'd rather be a good learner than a know-it-all any day of the week.

Go learn something.

Live Today.

Something Witty

With all the snow days, getting into a rhythm for school has felt impossible. Add onto that professors that want to cram in more material than our brains can handle. Add testing onto that. Then as a quick and final bit of icing, add on research projects and papers. There's only one problem with all of this. I want a fulfilled life outside of school. So to keep going with the list I have Miss Cobb County events, Miss Georgia paperwork due, a boyfriend, a family, and friends. I won't even list all of these things again because they're starting to make me bald. 

I don't have a problem with a jam-packed schedule. In fact, that's how I grew up. Going from one thing to another to the next made me develop a balancing ability. However, I take things seriously. All things. Seriously. There are times when I can let go and lay low for a while. (Tonight is one of those times.) But usually my life is just one crazily scheduled day after the next. I promise if I showed you my calendar, you'd start to sweat. Taking everything seriously leads to a cycle of determination, followed by sadness, followed by exhaustion, tears, runny nose, headaches, etc. I'm sure you get the picture. 

Now, I'm tired of the cycle.

How does one escape and turn off the side of your brain that causes said cycle?

Well, I'm still figuring that out. 

I never thought that I'd truly enjoy cooking dinner. I never thought I'd enjoy the TV series Dr. Who (Eccleston is my favorite, then again I'm only on season 2.) I also never thought that I would ever learn the right way to put down a task and rest. I've been able to put things off, but not necessarily delay for an hour or two and then pick right back up.

While those are great, the key to breaking the cycle is something witty. Something that makes you laugh so hard that you forget about what you were going to say. Something that gives you uncontrollable giggles and fits of laughter. Mine varies from day to day but usually it's some TV show or a Buzzfeed article. However, I've recently found that Calvin & Hobbes is a great way of escape. No technology needed. Just me and a comic book. 

So go find something that makes you laugh.

Live Today.

The Beauty of The Lab

Starting this semester, I began working in a lab for class hours. This research opportunity quite literally came as a "P.S." statement in an email, but little did I know how much this would open up my heart and my future. 

This is my first time doing what some undergrads only hope to do. I get to work on a research project that I can personalize, change, and make happen any way I want. But more importantly, I get to fail. This may sound odd but let me explain...

Grades have been important to me as long as I can remember. Even down to Pre-School where I was chastised if I made less than Satisfactory. In first grade I pushed myself to be the fastest and smartest in math. (Ask Mrs. Atkinson, I'm sure she remembers the moments with math problems.) And from there the intensity grew. In middle school, I would be devastated with an 89. There were many moments I remember crying and asking my mother why she was disappointed with my work. She would tell me, "Taylor, I am disappointed because this doesn't seem to be your best work." She was right. I was a gifted child, I could do more. But I took this motivation and turned it into a game with numbers. I became careless about what the material was just as long as I was making a 95 or above. This allowed me to graduate with a GPA higher than a 4.0 and second (yet technically third) in my class. 

Then college hit. I was so used to not caring about the material that the methods of college testing hit me like a hurricane. I made a 59 on my first exam in college. After that exam I walked out of the room, sobbed, called my mom, and then threw up. That's how important it was for me to maintain the perfection. That's how important my grades were to me. After crying for HOURS, I was told by my mother, "You know how to improve. Go out and do it." I worked my tail off and made a C on the next exam in Chemistry. I was so happy to pass, I cried out of joy. However at the end of the semester, I realized the A was in my reach and I focused so hard on studying that I forgot to eat. A very awesome friend and boyfriend at the time brought me food and made me eat after 36 hours of no food. To cut the story short, I made a B in the class. I again called my mother and was told this, "Sometimes you do your best and it just doesn't pay off. You did your best."

That was not okay for me, but I eventually came around to realizing that grades aren't everything. In fact, they are such a small portion in the real world that killing myself over them isn't worth it. 

So fast forward and I'm in a lab. Frustrated that the animals aren't doing what I need them to do. I'm getting the genetic version of fruit basket turnover. A few things went wrong and my professor says, "well just do it again." He wasn't upset, he wasn't angry, he was just telling me that my failure is not unusual and that I had to do it again.

I got the unique opportunity to entertain a speaker from UC Berkley who is in the fore front of developmental genetics. I picked his brain about PhD programs, when is a good time to go to school, and different things. We got to talking about the lab and he says, "The beauty of the lab is that it is NOTHING like the classroom. In a classroom you are pushed to regurgitate material and perform for the grades. In a lab you are expected to fail. You are pushed to the forefront of science and told "Go and get it done." Failure is the beauty of science. From failure we learn to grow."

It's true. From my failure I am growing. I am learning to let go and concentrate that my contributions in lab will be more important than the grades made in chemistry, virology, or physics. I am taking an opportunity that is completely new to me. I will fail, but that doesn't make me any less of a person or any less of a scientist. In fact it makes me better. 

Embrace your failures. Because from them, you grow.

Live Today.

I Beat The Mirror

Well, the weekend has begun and I am finally on the mend from reconstruction surgery. This was a decision made with many many prayers and just as many tears from all parties involved in this decision.

There are few harder things that I've had to do than weigh the pros and cons of this surgery. Many things in my life have been hard but most of those hard things were decisions that I didn't have to make. So many things in our lives are out of our control, but this was fully under my control. Trying to decide whether or not I wanted this because I genuinely wanted it or becuase I wanted it because I didn't like what I looked like in the mirror. Doing this surgery becuase I hated what I saw in the mirror quickly became the wrong reason to have the surgery.

One of the most valuable lessons I learned was that if you don't love yourself, a cosmetic fix will not change your mind set. It could help for a bit, but then something else would pop up. "I don't like my breasts." I get them changed. "I don't like my face." I could get that changed too. But it finally came down to knowing I had to love my body for exactly what it was. Uneven, a little imperct, and yet still miraculously beautiful. 

I wrote down things I didn't like and started to see how miniscule those flaws were. And how I had some pretty awesome stories behind scars, dents, and webbed toes. This started a complete change. I began to see how small these flaws were and became someone who loved and embraced her flaws. I love my webbed toes. I got them from my Dad and I know that while I have to sacrifice toe socks, at least there's a valid reason behind it. The dent in my nose from flipping a desk on my face when I was five reminds me that I don't always have the best ideas...no matter how fun they seem.

This surgery is giving me back something that was involuntarily removed. While I came to love my defects and slight deformities, this surgery is truly a step in becoming the beautiful woman I feel like I am. Walking with confidence and knowing that I loved myself before this surgery makes it all the easier to celebrate how I feel post-surgery.

Love yourself.

Live today.

Steps and Moments

Finally. My official next to last day of school. For some people that just seems like a lot of words. However, for me it truly means the beginning of my last year of college. I'm ecstatic to say the least but that's not all this year holds for me. 

Immediately in the start of the new year, there were a multitude of my friends engaged and taking the next step. No, I'm not writing to say I'm jealous. In fact, this isn't even the main topic of this post but I felt the need to congratulate my many friends that are engaged and taking a HUGE next step in their lives. I cannot WAIT to see beautiful marriages unfold!

Now to the real reason for this post. I am truly and genuinely thankful. Thankful for where I am in life, thankful for who surrounds me, and thankful for the many opportunities that have come with taking "the next step".

So I want to summarize some of my "next steps":

1. As many of you know I started dating an awesome guy and we celebrated one year together in 2013. For us, a long distance relationship has not been easy but who says things worth having are easy? Our relationship has brought out a side of me that I love, he celebrates me being goofy and also being poised. (On the rare occasion). He helped me take a next step in loving myself for who I truly am and simply being honest with myself.

2. In 2013, I found a mass in my right breast. I ignored it and prayed for it to go away. It didn't. I didn't want to acknowledge that it was there and I also wanted to ignore the fact that the mass was growing. Rapidly. My family helped me take my next step in embracing imperfections that would help me lead others in embracing their own flaws. This mass helped humble me and see that my life is bigger than my desires. It also lead to number 3...

3. I went to Miss Georgia in 2010 and then swore off pageants forever. I told everyone I was done and that I would move on with my life. Then 2011 came around and I tried again, and I failed. I really thought I was done until I found my lump. After hearing the words, 'You have to have surgery, there is no option.' I knew that I had a message. And the best way to spread that message for me was Miss America Organization. A few weeks before my surgery I told my boyfriend and family that I was going to try again, with a platform that was fueled by passion. That lead to whole new lifestyle and a whole new way of thinking. And for a sweet moment, the passion led to success.

Needless to say these are only a few of the steps that were taken in 2013. However, 2013 has passed and time marches forward. Hopefully there are many days left before me and I want to remember where I came from to know where I'm going. The days that I have been given are so precious. The time I spend with others counts so much. 

I don't have any poetic words about how precious time is because I think we all know the drill. In fact, I don't realize how special moments are until they are almost gone. 

So to the special moments; make them count. 
To the bad moments; let them go. 
To the great moments; tuck them away.
To the little moments; hold them close.

Live Today.