Coming So Far

Christmas. The buzz word everywhere right now. I realize I haven't been blogging as faithfully as possible, but even I still hear christmas music on the radio and see candy canes in the store. But the more popular word for this week and the next... "Finals Week".

With finals approaching and then leaving as quickly as they arrive, the stress factor in the college population sky rockets. Nutritious food is quickly left behind for the binges of chips, pizza, cupcakes, basically anything unhealthy. Personally, my poison is animal crackers. We defy meals to much mind-numbingly on junk food and we pay for it later. But right now, I couldn't think of a better time to nap. Guys you think I'm joking but I'm not. Today, I took a solid 30 minute nap and have never felt better. 

The stress of finals has gotten to me. I will admit that sleeping restlessly and studying all the time makes me want to pull my hair out, but it's not enough to make me stay awake all day. In fact, study breaks have become my good friend these past few weeks. 

A few posts ago I stated that I was going to let go of numbers and live life more. Well, I can't say with 100% certainty that I've accomplished that goal, but I do know that I am so much closer than ever before. People have commented on my optimism during finals and wonder where it comes from. Sometimes I wonder myself where the pressure and stress went. It still reappears from time to time but it's nothing like freshman year. 

If I could go back and tell my freshman in college self some advice here is what it would be, "Taylor, you need to look up, go get some real food, nap, and just breathe." I remember times when I couldn't sleep because my heart was beating out of my chest about the possibility of not performing at a 4.0. Now that I'm a senior, that's actually okay. I have a very high GPA and have worked very hard for it. But I've also come a longer way in taking the grade of a C on an exam and instead of tearing myself up I build up my study habits.

It's finals week but the beauty of controlling stress is in our options to choose what will control our lives. I'm sorry, my grades aren't going to control me. I am very proud of them, but they are not my greatest accomplishment. In fact they are no where near the thing I am most proud of in my life. So to all the frazzled collegiates:

Look up. Go get a real meal. And take a big deep breath.

Live Today.

It's Just Things

This weekend, some robber decided it would be a good thing to break into my car. Pop open my trunk and see what he could find.

There were a spectrum of emotions when I saw that my glove box was open and the contents of my car were scattered everywhere. My doors were locked, and I know I keep a semi-messy car but it is usually nothing like that. I was immediately relieved that I had my wallet on me for the weekend. 

Of course, I called 911, waited for an interminably long amount of time and when the officer finally arrived I let him in the gate. Walking up to my car it hit me that I had not checked my trunk. Then a panic set into my head. After the officer let me check my car, I popped the trunk. When I saw the inside, I immediately started crying. My crown boxes were open, empty, in disarray, and my Micheal Kors purse was gone. They left my lipstick (it's the small things) and a nice jacket. 

After phoning the police, my mother, my board, bank, and plenty of other people my brain was exhausted and I could only think about my class that I'd missed and the classes I had left to face for the day. In all of the hubbub I was able to forget that my car was broken into and was able to laugh, smile, and even do genetics. 

A purse can be replaced, a crown can be replaced. Sentimental value is extremely high but thank goodness I have pictures of those moments. Those things are exactly that... just things. My mom instilled in me the view point that things are something that can't go with you when you go. Don't get me wrong, I love all of the things that were taken but I'm not the one who knows where they are. But they can be replaced.

If anything, this is a lesson of humility. Time to focus on homework. It'll be okay.

Live today.

My Struggle With Numbers

To be honest, this is not a post I want to write. In fact, I'm pretty sure no one likes to admit their struggles, failures, and frustrations. But as a person, I believe being transparent can change the world. Of course I believe there is a time and place for such things and for me the time and the place is here and now.

I have previously written about how simple words from an adviser wrecked my graduation plan to no end. Well from there started a spiral into frustration, anger, and silence that has only recently begun to lift. After walking out of the office, I cried and cried because it wasn't fair. The hard work that had been put in wasn't being rewarded and it just wasn't fair. Well, oddly enough I somehow continuously forgot to remind myself that life isn't fair. Then my speech came. It went so well and I knew that I was doing something I was called to do. I lost myself in the moment of speaking to pause my time and look at men and women and genuinely say, "You are going to be alright."

Even the past few weekends have been talks about deadlines and can we make it all come together in time. Am I on the right path that will have me graduating in 2014? How many classes do I have left? How many inches can/should I lose? When is Miss Georgia? What is my GPA? What do I have to make to maintain it?

Don't get me wrong. Deadlines are needed. I believe that for some things, you can't just go with the wind and see where you wind up. We need structure and we need a path. But the hardened mindset of an unchanging path is where I fall into trouble. I was so set on reaching all of my goals and making sure that I did them before the due date that I forgot to look up and see, smile, and appreciate how far I had come. There are so many more things enjoyable in life. For me, the phone call with a friend was what I needed to turn it all around. To hear someone like myself admit this struggle all of the sudden things made sense. I might not falter with some things, but time will always be my weakness. I don't want to squander my days but the precious relationships that come along should be more important than finishing the check-list for the day. 

This weekend, I spent time with friends that I haven't seen in a good while. Their kids had grown up so much, and my mother and I got to see their last soccer game of the season. Watching those kids go after the ball with no sense of time for substitutions or the half, just a passion to kick the ball in the right direction or get closer to the ball to attempt a kick was a sweet and wonderful reminder for me. Sometime life isn't always about making the perfect kick, pass, or run downfield; it's about the passion of playing the game. We all are living borrowed lives, which makes it all the better when we spend time passionately following after our goals not concentrating on when the whistle will be blown.

Live Today.

Comfort

On Thursday I will be giving a fifteen minute speech. Now, those of you that know me say "Oh please, you talk for fifteen minutes every time your mouth flies open." While that may be true, I don't usually talk about one topic for fifteen minutes. There's an ease and a flow to conversation that is sometimes missing in speeches or is presented in such a cheesy way that all you want to do is roll your eyes. 

I'm not a teacher. This I know. If I was then I wouldn't be nearly as scared. Those champions get up and talk for 55 minutes to 2 hours on one overlaying topic. 

This could quite possibly be one of the hardest speeches to write. Not only because of it's length, but because I'm going to have to dive back into my losses and present them. 

A couple months ago, a dear friend's mom called me and said "Taylor, you should incorporate loss in your platform." Well naturally I was confused and couldn't even think about where to start and then I got a wonderful opportunity to go down to Shands Lake Shore and give a speech along with 3 women who had lost their mother to breast cancer. Well, when God opens a door, you had better step thru it. 

Last week I went and met with my friend's mom and she gave me a verse that inspired it all; 

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

I may not have lost a blood relative from cancer, but I have experienced its evil and it's ability to take away things that we love. I have experienced loss and now it is my turn to comfort those going thru it.

So if your praying on Thursday around 12:00 pm, please lift up a prayer for the speech that will come out of my mouth. I pray it will be constructive and, most importantly, comforting.

Live Today.

Breast Cancer Prevention Pt. 1

This was found on the ACS website, but it's so long I have broken it up into pieces.

Can breast cancer be found early?

Screening refers to tests and exams used to find a disease, like cancer, in people who do not have any symptoms. The goal of screening exams, such as mammograms, is to find cancers before they start to cause symptoms. Breast cancers that are found because they can be felt tend to be larger and are more likely to have already spread beyond the breast. In contrast, breast cancers found during screening exams are more likely to be small and still confined to the breast. The size of a breast cancer and how far it has spread are important factors in predicting the prognosis (outlook) for a woman with this disease.

Most doctors feel that early detection tests for breast cancer save many thousands of lives each year, and that many more lives could be saved if even more women and their health care providers took advantage of these tests. Following the American Cancer Society's guidelines for the early detection of breast cancer improves the chances that breast cancer can be diagnosed at an early stage and treated successfully.

American Cancer Society recommendations for early breast cancer detection

Women age 40 and older should have a screening mammogram every year and should continue to do so for as long as they are in good health.

• Current evidence supporting mammograms is even stronger than in the past. In particular, recent evidence has confirmed that mammograms offer substantial benefit for women in their 40s. Women can feel confident about the benefits associated with regular mammograms for finding cancer early. However, mammograms also have limitations. A mammogram will miss some cancers, and it sometimes leads to follow up of findings that are not cancer, including biopsies.
• Women should be told about the benefits, limitations, and potential harms linked with regular screening. Mammograms can miss some cancers. But despite their limitations, they remain a very effective and valuable tool for decreasing suffering and death from breast cancer.
• Mammograms for older women should be based on the individual, her health, and other serious illnesses, such as congestive heart failure, end-stage renal disease, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, and moderate-to-severe dementia. Age alone should not be the reason to stop having regular mammograms. As long as a woman is in good health and would be a candidate for treatment, she should continue to be screened with a mammogram.

Women in their 20s and 30s should have a clinical breast exam (CBE) as part of a periodic (regular) health exam by a health professional, at least every 3 years. After age 40, women should have a breast exam by a health professional every year.

• CBE is a complement to mammograms and an opportunity for women and their doctor or nurse to discuss changes in their breasts, early detection testing, and factors in the woman's history that might make her more likely to have breast cancer.
• There may be some benefit in having the CBE shortly before the mammogram. The exam should include instruction for the purpose of getting more familiar with your own breasts. Women should also be given information about the benefits and limitations of CBE and breast self-exam (BSE). Breast cancer risk is very low for women in their 20s and gradually increases with age. Women should be told to promptly report any new breast symptoms to a health professional.

Breast self-exam (BSE) is an option for women starting in their 20s. Women should be told about the benefits and limitations of BSE. Women should report any breast changes to their health professional right away.

• Research has shown that BSE plays a small role in finding breast cancer compared with finding a breast lump by chance or simply being aware of what is normal for each woman. Some women feel very comfortable doing BSE regularly (usually monthly after their period) which involves a systematic step-by-step approach to examining the look and feel of their breasts. Other women are more comfortable simply looking and feeling their breasts in a less systematic approach, such as while showering or getting dressed or doing an occasional thorough exam.
• Sometimes, women are so concerned about "doing it right" that they become stressed over the technique. Doing BSE regularly is one way for women to know how their breasts normally look and feel and to notice any changes. The goal, with or without BSE, is to report any breast changes to a doctor or nurse right away.
• Women who choose to do BSE should have their BSE technique reviewed during their physical exam by a health professional. It is okay for women to choose not to do BSE or not to do it on a regular schedule. However, by doing the exam regularly, you get to know how your breasts normally look and feel and you can more readily detect any signs or symptoms if a change occurs, such as development of a lump or swelling, skin irritation or dimpling, nipple pain or retraction (turning inward), redness or scaliness of the nipple or breast skin, or a discharge other than breast milk. Should you notice any changes you should see your health care provider as soon as possible for evaluation. Remember that most of the time, however, these breast changes are not cancer.

Multiplying Joy

Looking back at the previous year, sometimes it felt like I was simply going thru the motions. Even now, I have school Monday thru Friday, I train on Tuesday, attempt to nap pretty much everyday, and then do homework. Trying to take all sciences in a semester is a heavy load and time is required to put into school; however, time is also required to be put into life. 

This past week showed me just how much harder I had to work in order to even achieve some semblance of a balanced life. Please do not misunderstand this as complaining. The previous week and weekend has been ultimately one of the most exciting of my life, but it was also a definite learning curve. My small group is studying James and the lesson I had to study this week was about trials and joy. Let me talk about what all has been going on and see if you agree that the lesson was needed to get me thru this week.

I strongly believe that joy and happiness are two different things. Happiness is a circumstantial emotion. There are times where I am not happy. At all. I am either crying, fuming, or just overall gloomy. There's nothing wrong with these emotions, but I am at all times joyful. Joy is not circumstantial because it relies on the knowledge that even through my swings of emotions, I have a firm foundation and a person that will never let me down and has a purpose for everything that is happening in my life. 

Monday, I got my physics test back. I didn't do as well as I wanted. I was not happy. Also that day I decided to go to my advisor to talk about graduation and then got hit with another reason to not be happy. She looked at me and told me that there was no way I could graduate in May. There were still 15-16 hours of electives I had to take. For me, that was the breaking point. I walked out of her office, headed straight for my car, and cried. Not like the pretty crying either. However, as my mother told me, "There's nothing you can do to change the requirements of your major. Pick yourself up, study hard, and keep going." In that moment, I had to take a second and thank God that I went to see my advisor sooner rather than later and got the news now rather than hearing why my petition to graduate would be denied. 

Lee Brice y'all.

The sister queen that is basically wonderful.
God knew what he was doing when he put us
together.

Wednesday, I got to see my sister queen, hang out with Lee Brice, hear Anna NAIL the national anthem, spend time with my wonderful Miss Cobb County Board, and eat a funnel cake. (Sorry trainer. It was delicious.) I was happy. My happiness was multiplied by everything that had gone right that day. I knew that the day was easy and for those 24 hours my burden was only semi-heavy. Being able to talk to people about things outside of school and grades was definitely a relief and getting to support my wonderful, hilarious, sweet, and amazing sister was something that made me happy. So easy to say, my joy was multiplied that day. I sang all day, laughed, and again thanked God for wonderful people in my life.

A few of My AMAZING CREW!

Thursday, the nerves kicked in my system. I was singing the national anthem with the dreaded "land of the free" note in front of 30,000 plus people. Thankfully, I had an AMAZING support crew with me. Thank goodness that Scott drove and Maggie was there to distract because I was a bundle of stress and nerves basically the whole trip down. And shout out to Scott, Mitchell, and Maggie for still loving me after I was so quiet and weird the whole way down. You will never ever know how much I appreciated the company that kept me from melting down into tears and kept me smiling and laughing because traffic was bad. The time came for me to sing. I opened my mouth and this is what came out.

I'm not even sure how I sang. I don't really remember thinking. All I remember is praying that God would help me get thru it, forget about my stress and nerves, and stop the microphone from shaking. At sometime in the song, I just knew that it was going to end well. I became relaxed and just sang. At the end, I just stood on the stage for a good 5-10 seconds just smiling as the crowd cheered. There is no description for the feeling I had. I looked down and my entire group that came with me, my board, and Terry (the man that made this happen) were cheering and clapping and an overwhelming feeling of satisfaction and gratitude hit me all at once. I was happy. I was joyful. 

Thank you Susan for snapping this
awesome picture.

Fair rides. Where all the cool
kids go.

snuck out of the concert to go ride the fair rides and the picture to the right is the result. I'm telling you. If you have a friend that will ride rickety fair rides, take ridiculous pictures on the fair ride, and scream the whole time with you, you've got a good one. If you have friends that will watch you ride the rickety fair ride and laugh at you the whole time while you're screaming your head off, you've got more great friends. People, I'm here to tell you that I've got some quality friends. The joy was multiplied over the weekend by a visit from my boyfriend. The support that comes from him is so wonderful, that I can't even begin to thank him.

My trials are far from over. However, my joy is continuously multiplied even if my happiness is not. There are many things that are still about to come my way. The trials are real but they are temporary. Remember that when you go thru it all. Do not diminish your struggle but never lose faith in the fact that you are loved beyond belief.

Live Today.

Changing Miss America

As many of my pageant friends, and probably non-pageant friends know, Miss America was last night. Of course with state pride, I wanted us to bring home the crown, but I am thankful that we were fortunate to make the top 15, 12, and top 10. So, congratulations Carly Mathis, you performed beautifully at Miss America and definitely made Georgia proud. 

However, what I'm not proud of is the so-called "American" reaction. I was perusing websites this morning looking for recaps of last night from different perspectives and I was horrified at what I saw. After Miss New York was crowned Miss America, a social media EXPLOSION began over what seems to be a very poorly thought out argument. Tweets saying, "Miss Al Qaeda" or "Miss 7-11" were everywhere to be found, but very few non-sarcastic congratulatory posts were anywhere to be seen. Nina is a beautiful Indian-American woman, and it's about time that the Miss America Organization reflects the diversity in America. 

Even Nina's talent was something different and I believe it truly made her stand out. I could never achieve moving my body like that. She showed her cultural aspect along with the challenge of putting that aspect to music and THEN she killed it. Many comments of her talent were "too funny to even really watch" or "we don't dance like that in America". Wake up America, some of your citizens do actually dance like that. And in my mind, this was a much classier and tasteful show than what you would see at a common American school dance. Her talent meant more to her than a minute and a half spinning around on stage. Her talent showed expression of her culture and beautifully demonstrated an art that is rarely seen on a national stage.

As a matter of fact, Nina's question addressed this issue specifically. Her answer contained, "Miss America is not who she was ten years ago and she is not now who she will be ten years from now..." Exactly. Nina is reflecting the changing country we live in today. And no disrespect towards Miss Kansas, but the judges simply did not pick her. Pageants are a game of who's going to get picked by 5 strangers. Even with one different judge, the outcome could have been completely different. 

I don't know how Nina will do as Miss America this year. I don't know her and have never met her in my life. Yet even with this little knowledge, I will support her as the representative of a system I am proud to serve. Shame on you America for saying you have welcome and opening arms, yet have closed minds. Nina is an American, a full citizen of this wonderful country, and deserves the respect and the backing of her country. 

America the brave is still fears what we don't know. 

Live Today.

Cinderella's First Ball

I know it's a bit presumptuous comparing myself to Cinderella, but honestly I felt so much  like her this past weekend that I just couldn't help it. The weekend started off awesomely because I made a 100 on a physics quiz. I mean c'mon guys, success in anything math makes me want to do a happy dance. Going home that day, I stopped by Ikea picked up some final things for the apartment and made my way back my place in the big city. Putting together a Swedish desk is harder than one would think when the holes for the screws are the size of pinheads. Suffice it to say... it was a struggle. My boyfriend came up that morning and as I was struggling to get my desk together, he pulled in the parking deck and we unloaded the FINAL parts of my furniture and appliances. There are some things in life that you are just super grateful for and I am unashamed to say that my printer is one of them.

Early birthday deserts. Never a bad choice.

Mom came up after school that day and we sneakily arranged to take Doug out for an early birthday celebration without him knowing.Thankfully, my awesome boyfriend was fixing my router. (AKA he was fixing things that I don't even know the units for). With him distracted we got the presents to the car and I interrupted his conversation with the nice Comcast man to make him start looking up restaurants. Little to his knowledge, he chose his own birthday spot. After dinner and presents, we were driving back and spotted the "Hot Doughnuts Now" sign and naturally my car just got a mind of its own and turned in. Birthday deserts of doughnuts was so delicious!

Notice Doug's Pink Ribbon Pin! 

The next day was the beginning of the festivities. Up and early Saturday, Doug and I attended an info session for him and I was so entertained even if it wasn't my grad school. We wasted an afternoon and when we realized we needed to get ready, it was almost too late. Doug became the timer and helped me keep tabs of when we needed to leave. On our way to the Ball I realize I don't have my mascara! Now let me tell you what love is folks, he went back into my apartment got the RIGHT mascara and brought it down for me as I finished my make-up in the car. You know you've got a good one when he gets the mascara. Walking into the ball, I was immediately hit with how colorful and fun the event was! There were jugglers, ladies wearing tables, and cakes that looked like toys! Susan and Wayne walked with me and showed me the ropes of the silent auction all while introducing me to fantastic people.  

I was so honored to be celebrating 40 years of fighting cancer with the American Cancer Society. The emcee embarked on a story about his children and I never could have guessed what would follow. His little boy was hit with cancer of the brain and it was not supposed to bother him until 25 but at 17 it began acting up again. Hearing his voice crack and stumble as he talked about his son brought me to tears. He then continued to present a survivors video and at the end of the clip, the survivors walked out. Each story of that night touched my heart and gave me a little more motivation to keep my eyes on the prize of my year as Miss Cobb County and hopefully my future in raising awareness for cancer and cancer research.

The night was not over yet! After the presentation, I was whisked away by my wonderful driver and chaperone (Doug and Susan, respectively) and we went to Miss Atlanta! I watched as a sweet friend of mine got First Runner-Up in her very first MAO pageant EVER! I'm pretty sure I squealed loud enough for every one in the metro-area to hear!

By the end of the night, I was laughing with my board until late and thanking the Lord I was surrounded by amazing people. Appearances and pageants are nice, but focusing on relationships still remains to be my number one goal. Let's hope I achieve it. 


Love Today.

Last Day, First Speech, and A Cast Dinner

"Show Your Bra" contest.

I'm sure that even by just reading the title you can guess that my weekend was a busy one. I feel like I'm constantly in a state of traveling from here to there, but I pray and hope that the feeling will only last for a couple of more days seeing as I don't have anything to do this week but school.

It seems weird to me that I'm a senior in college and will be graduating in under 200 days. That makes the world spin a lot faster than planned and also makes me feel a lot older than I'd like to feel. However, the time has come that I'm supposed to "grow up" and get out of undergrad. Thankfully my time in college has been one of the most enjoyable yet stressful experiences of my life. One that I look back on fondly but am okay to not ever repeat. Well, at least class wise. Looking at my class schedule for this semester, the academic load is heavy but the schedule times are forgiving. HALLELUJAH!

Notice the man laughing in the background.
So glad he thought I was funny!

Women in Pink!

Friday started off with physics at 8 am followed by meeting up with two wonderful chaperones to whisk me away to Acworth, Georgia to speak at the Diva Dessert Luncheon for GTC Give Back 2013. The event was focused and fundraising for breast cancer and breast health, so naturally I was all OVER it. After curling the hair, zipping the dress, and pinning in the crown, I went to the clubhouse and began the "meet and greet" aspect of the event. All of the women were flushed in pink, playing tennis, laughing, and having a great time! At check in, I asked if I could have a pink ribbon to pin to my sash. Even if the ribbon was only a conversation starter, it stood for so much more. I told the ladies about my tumor and they asked questions and I was glad to answer them. After milling around for forty-five minutes, a woman comes running up to me and hands me a corsage and says, "Pin this on!" with no explanation and runs off. I like flowers, so I followed her instructions. Right before my speech, I learned that the flowers symbolized a woman that had been affected by breast cancer. I was so appreciative for their thinking of me. When I stood to speak, you could hear whispers across the room wondering if my flowers were for show or for real. Finding out they were for real, the women were so attentive and responsive to my message. However the most impacting moment came after my speech. Women came to tell me that I had inspired them to go get themselves checked and to get their daughters to take their risk seriously. In that moment, I was humbled and knew that this was my purpose. 

On the left, Leo Bloom. On the right, Max Bialystock!

After the speech, we went to get a haircut from one of my sponsors followed by going to watch The Producers! The play is a Class A+ production and it feels like you are genuinely on Broadway! During Max Bialystock's jail monologue, he does the long pause for intermission and stage whispers, "I heard Miss Cobb County is in the audience tonight.... Ya think I can get her to be a showgirl?!" Needless to say I was laughing so loud and squealing like a little girl! The cast dinner was on Sunday and I was so honored to be able to tell the cast how much I enjoyed their play and genuinely appreciated the hard work they put in. Such a dynamic group in a room together made for a loud and raucous time but those traits made for an even better night!



Live Today.

My Dream Journey

Well, the pageant is over and I am still on cloud 9! It hits me every now and then that I am Miss Cobb County. But at the same time, it still feels very much like a dream. 

Friday night, everyone had arrived. We went to go find jewelry for my interview the next morning and just talked, laughed, and had a really wonderful time. Saturday morning came far too early and after mulling around with a cup of coffee, the hair was rolled and after finishing my make up, we were off to the interview. This was the first interview that I was genuinely excited about. I knew my direction, I knew myself, and I knew what I wanted to accomplish. Walking into the interview, I immediately felt the warmth of the judges and loved talking with them. The ten minutes flew by and then it was over. 

Getting a nap in the middle of the day was definitely needed since the nerves were starting to kick into my system. Thankfully, I slept and had a generally lazy day before having to redo my hair and make up for the last time. All of us back stage were excited and ready to get the night going. Whenever I walked out in my opening number, I felt the adrenaline kick-in and realized that I was going to have the time of my life. Swim suit was rocking and rolling before I knew it. (Shout out to Casey Walker for that turn prep.) Walking out on stage for talent, I knew what emotions I wanted to convey and I just let loose. Walking away from that microphone, I looked over at one of my best friends and just began smiling from ear to ear. Win or lose I knew I had left everything on that stage. I showed my heart and emotions to the judges. When evening gown came, I put on the most beautiful dress I've ever worn in my life and just smiled like Kate Middleton after she got married. 

Being named the talent winner was something I could never expect. I had never won talent in my life and I knew that with the high caliber of girls that were competing there was a high chance that I wouldn't win it. So when my name called I thought it was a joke! I went running down to Anna and was a blubbering mess when I received the award. 

Waiting those minutes after the talent presentation, I just kept saying out loud to myself, "I can't believe I won talent!" Apparently Leighton caught my conversation to myself. Whoops.

As they called the runners up, I was still talking to myself and hardly paying attention. Naturally when I heard my name called I thought it was for a runner up, and then I looked down and saw four other girls. In that moment I realized I had won! I looked at Maggie and we both started crying. At that moment, all the hard work, multiple tanning appointments, make up practices, sprints, and sacrifices of Chick-Fil-A milkshakes were worth it. 

I didn't exactly know what to do after Maggie crowned me, so I looked around and asked. My new director said, "You just won! Go walk!!" I did and thinking about that moment still makes me smile. There are simply no words to describe how on top of the world you feel. Thankfully I had people to pull me back down to Earth and remind me that I still had millions of pictures to take and hugs to give. 

 Being crowned Miss Cobb County has already been a dream come true. I know that my year will be one that is beyond my imagination. I thank God for this wonderful opportunity and the reminder that I received Sunday morning. Jesus was being rushed to a man's house to heal the man's daughter when a dying woman touched the robe of Jesus and was healed. Jesus turned around and said "Who touched me?" Instead of rushing on with the crowd and letting the woman disappear, he wanted her to know him personally. Being a title holder, it's easy to be rushed in the every day life but I genuinely hope to take the time to stop and talk with people so they know me personally. I want to reach and impact others, not simply be a fleeting moment in their lives.

And so my dream journey begins.

Live Today.

The Final Days

The final days of pageant preparation are upon me. My wardrobe is finalized, my tan is on, and I'm practicing my make up. (Those of you who know me know this is a tiny miracle in itself.) All of my summer classes are finished and so I finally have time to read, decompress, and focus on competing. Now therein presents the problem. I recently wrote that I am competitive. My competitiveness really shows its face when I have time to analyze my actions before hand and consider how to make myself the most pleasing thing to the judges. Those thoughts right there sent off a red light in my head. I can only be myself. I want to be my best self, but nonetheless changing my personality to attempt to fit the situation will not help me present myself. I don't want to present someone else's vision of me. I want to show who I have become through trials and celebrations. 

One of my wonderful friends sent me some encouragement after I told her that I am truly trying to not fall into my analyzing and staying composed. 

"You will be (composed and ready). Let God keep you hear still!" 

God has kept me thru so much more than pageants and he will definitely keep me thru this. I feel no pressure. I was once told that pressure doesn't come from God. I really believe this is true. "For God is a not a God of disorder but a God of peace." 1 Corinthians 14:33. (Shout out to CentriKid 2011 for that verse!) I feel organized. Ready to go. And a lot of peace. I also hope to keep it this way. I know my direction and I know what I want to go out and do. I pray for God's will but more importantly his peace.

Four more days!

Live Today.

Back In The Game?

On a completely unrelated note, this is my 60th post! I've written more than a paragraph 60 times... this is an accomplishment.

Two weeks until the internship is done. Two weeks until Miss Cobb County. One week until my final in my summer classes. One year to graduation. Forever until I get there.

That is a small timeline of what my life will look like for the next year. I am so overwhelmed and yet so excited at the same time. God has opened so many doors for me this year and this summer that it's been hard to keep my head on straight because I'm looking so many different directions. 

Before my surgery I began to develop feelings of inadequacy, fear, embarrassment, and doubt. I was a big bundle of emotions that was walking around ready to talk about anything else than ultrasounds, mammograms, biopsies, and needles. Thankfully, my wonderful family and boyfriend encouraged me to look past the thought of "I just don't want to do this anymore" to "I want to make sure other people don't have to do this". One day, I decided with finality that I was going to take this message past my family and past my hometown and turn it into something that everyone can hear. After trying to come up with a way to get my vision started, I KNEW that pageants were far and above the best way to get people talking. I have a ten minute interview with judges asking about my cause, I get an onstage question, if a crown is awarded to me I get a YEAR of going and promoting my message to girls all over Georgia. If I am given the opportunity to be Miss Georgia I will get a chance to take my platform to the national level, if I win MIss America I get to travel the COUNTRY and talk to people who I would never have the chance to meet about my platform and encourage them. I know I'm dreaming big but at the same time, all things start with a vision. 

God has blessed me with an incredible team of people to come through for me. Whether it is donating to Children's Miracle Network, reading my platform statement and resume, whipping up a dress to help me look and feel like Kate Middleton, interview prep, and a listening ear. Most importantly, God has given me a new perspective. I no longer depend on these judges to tell me my worth, I depend on God alone and ask for his will and guidance. Don't get me wrong, I definitely want to win (I am only slightly competitive) but winning is no longer everything. Stepping back, realizing, and truly believing this is something that has taken a few years but I believe I have gotten there. I pray to stay with this perspective and not let my competitive side take over.

I am back in the game and there are 17 days until I'm up at bat. So much to enjoy, and so little time.


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Propresenter and The Game Of Life

Wow. What a weekend. I was able to get down to Norman Park and spend much needed quality time with my Pop, his new wife, and my awesome cousins. It was raining cats and dogs but we enjoyed the weather and staying inside. 

My sister-like cousin brought over family videos and the first night I was down we watched them and they brought me to tears. It was a video from when I was two months old, around the time of Father's Day, and we were down at a beach house with my father's side of the family. My heart skipped a beat when I heard a little voice screaming about something or another and I recognized that it was the voice of my brother. It was surreal to see him on screen and practically feel like he was in the room with us. Next on the video, we saw my father get down on the ground and lay in front of me as a baby and talk to me saying, "Are you my baby girl? Are you my little baby girl?" in such a sweet voice. He then picked me up and cradled me in his arms and started singing, "I'll like you forever, I'll love you for always. As long as I'm living my baby you'll be." At that point I basically became unraveled. I missed my father so much and seeing him sing to me was beautiful. It made me so unbelievably happy to have found that video.
 
However, we were delivered a huge blow as a family. One of my cousins who recently recovered from kidney cancer, has been told by the doctors that she is also suffering from pancreatic cancer. Since kidney doesn't normally jump to the pancreas, we are fearful of bone cancer as well. It is a hard moment for my family and we are hoping for the best but at the same time we recognize that there is a large chance this may be fatal.

After meeting up with the family to talk, we ended up laughing the night away and giving thanks for the life that she has lived so far. Later in the weekend, we were stuck inside yet again by the rain and played the Game of Life. Being that I hadn't played it in years, I'm pretty sure we were just making up rules as we went along to try and get the game over. Robbie kept claiming innocence yet she completely showed us up with raking in about two million dollars...too bad it wasn't real money because we said we all knew who to come to when we needed loans for college.

All in all I'd say it was a completely successful weekend with the family.

My internship is going along and is still completely different than what I ever could have imagined. After too little sleep on Saturday night and getting up early on Sunday morning, I fel like I was completely dragging. NOISE began and I was thankfully seated in the back running the technological side of things and making sure lyrics and pictures came up at the appropriate times. It gave me a chance to sit back and see kids genuinely worship. They didn't know I was watching them and basically in awe of how lovely and mighty there worship spoke to me. Sometimes learning more about the business side of ministry can get to me, but it's little moments like this past Sunday morning that help me realize and continue to persue my calling. I know I'm supposed to do Children's MInistry.

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Week One.

A lot has happened since the last time I posted. I have gone through surgery and came out wonderfully on the other side. The pathology came back all clear so I am officially cancer free! I have finished school and came out with a 3.7! Which means I made an A in calculus. Yes, this math challenged lady made an A!! With a lot of help from a lot of people. Shout out to my awesome boyfriend/tutor. He's already gearing up for physics next semester!

I am completely on track to graduate! I have all of my classes ready to go and I only have EIGHT CLASSES LEFT! I can see the light y'all! I am ready to graduate already to be done with classes but in no way am I ready to be out of college. 

The first week of the internship is almost over and what a whirlwind it has already been up here. It's a bit different working with a church the size of Johnson Ferry compared to Jesup First Baptist. One thing I did notice is that EVERYONE is so welcoming. It's almost like being in a small town because everyone is waving at you as they pass. They don't even know you, but they're smiling and waving. Yesterday the other intern's and myself went around the church to meet the staff and just get a feel for navigating around the church. Needless to say, I was more than lost by the time the tour was over. 

Last night was a moment of bonding for the ministers and the interns. All of us were sitting around trying to sing the "Cups (When I'm Gone)" song while playing the cup game and we were failing miserably. We were all dressed in our BRIGHT YELLOW shirts advertising VBS and placation. Amazingly enough, we are going to do both events in one week. Talk about putting the interns to the test. 

Everything has been wonderful so far, but I'm definitely on a learning curve. This blog is more for a prayer request than stories. Please pray that I will be able to not only hang on, but exceed expectations. There is a lot to get done and I feel behind. Pray that the team continues to gel and get along so well like we are now. Pray for the children we will be serving this summer. You will be reading my encounters with them as I go throughout the summer but those little babies need prayer. 


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Good Soil Seed

As I wrote about last time, I have had a biopsy and have gotten my results back. 

No malignancy, praise the LORD! I am so happy to say those words that I grin whenever I just think about it.

The only part that I wasn't expecting was that I will have to have the tumor removed. There is nothing quite as unexpected as surgery. But as I was talking to my doctor, he told me that the type of tumor I have will continue to grow and place pressure on structures so surgery to remove them is a necessity. 

I'm still not exactly ecstatic about having to go under the knife, but I know that my health should come first no matter what my circumstances. That being said, I will have my first surgery this Friday April 12 and a second one in May. And if all goes as planned, those will be the only two I should ever have to need! Now THAT is something to get excited about.

As silly as it sounds, I was extremely bummed out that my surgery was falling on the day before my birthday and severely interfering with my plans to celebrate with people in Athens. But the more I talked to my family and friends the more I realized that a party can be delayed but good health cannot. 

I can't say that this journey has been easy for me. There are days when I talk to my aunt or my mom and say, "I just don't want to do this. I know tomorrow I will wake up, but today I just don't want to." This experience has been more of a mental game than anything else and some days it feels that I am losing, but the encouragement and support of the people I have behind me helps me to overcome any slight shade of doubt or gloominess. I was reading my quiet time today and fell on the Parable of the Sower. Now the story basically is, a sower went out to plant and some seeds fell on the bath and birds ate them, some other seeds fell into rocky soil and didn't grow strong roots and when the sun shone upon them they withered away, other seeds fell into the thorns and began to grow but the thorns grew with the seeds and choked them and killed them, other seeds fell on good soil and began to grow and produce a lot of grain. Then Jesus goes on to explain the parable to the disciples:

"And he said to them, “Do you not understand this parable? How then will you understand all the parables? 14 The sower sows the word.15 And these are the ones along the path, where the word is sown: when they hear, Satan immediately comes and takes away the word that is sown in them. 16 And these are the ones sown on rocky ground: the ones who, when they hear the word, immediately receive it with joy. 17 And they have no root in themselves, but endure for a while; then, when tribulation or persecution arises on account of the word, immediately they fall away.18 And others are the ones sown among thorns. They are those who hear the word, 19 but the cares of the world and the deceitfulness of riches and the desires for other things enter in and choke the word, and it proves unfruitful. 20 But those that were sown on the good soil are the ones who hear the word and accept it and bear fruit, thirtyfold and sixtyfold and a hundredfold.”

It sounds like the seeds in the good soil got a pretty sweet deal. That is where I want to be. I want to be able to withstand the cold and the sun because those times will pass. No matter what you're going thru, it will always pass. And at the end of the day I would rather be deeply rooted and alive than eaten by birds, killed by the sun, or choked out by thorns.

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One Thing Remains

Instructions: Play the embedded video as you read this, and listen to the song in its entirety. 

Well y'all, Pop is officially married. I never thought I'd write those words. This weekend, I watched my Pop walk down the aisle with a beautiful (and blushing) bride and watched them profess their love to each other. It's definitely been a whirlwind of a courtship and wedding for them, but there is no doubt that they are in love with one another. 

After the rings, Pop gave a speech to Miss Robbie (now Mrs. Robbie) that went something along the lines of this:

"The human race explains things in metaphors. When Jesus started the church, and Paul followed up, Paul looked for a metaphor to describe the church's relationship to Jesus. The metaphor they came up with was one of marriage. As the bride gives herself to her husband, so the Church gives themselves to Jesus.

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. (Provision)

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. (Provision)

He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. (Provision)

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. (Protection)

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. (Protection)

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever. (Provision)

As Christ provides for and protects his church, I hope to always provide for and protect you, my wife."

Needless to say, there was not a dry eye in the building. If that doesn't speak volumes of love and respect, then I have no eye for love. I believe every word of his speech and even more so am thankful for Christ's provision and protection of us as his people. Even when I walk close with death, I will not have to be afraid.

This song speaks to me on many levels and many many situations that I am facing as I type this. There's nothing that I need to worry about. Because he will never fail and he will never give up on me. 

A few weeks ago, I found a lump that grew very rapidly and after talking with some close friends, I went and got it checked. The doctor felt for it and found it but could not locate it with an ultrasound machine. So naturally, a second opinion was sought. During that doctor's visit, the doctor found the core of the lump. I have had a biopsy done and am waiting to hear the results. There is extreme fear of the unknown here. We are all hopeful and optimistic but there is always the chance that it could be cancer. I never thought that I would be worried about something like this at 20 years old. Ever. And it has definitely brought good days and bad ones. But it has given me a spark. This has ignited a passion to not waste any time, to never let fear grip me and freeze me. 

God has a plan. He will use this. Good or bad.

"Constant in the trial and the change, this one thing remains." I refuse to let the fear of the unknown consume my life. I will always remember that there is something and someone that already knows what I will have to go thru and what will have to happen. All I can do is walk down the path laid before me and praise him.

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Just Do It

Can one person do it all? 

Sometimes I feel like there is so much going on in my life that I can't keep up. That if I even try to look at my calendar I'll start spinning wildly out of control. Actually, I know for a fact that if I looked at my calendar all the time during the day I would go crazy...because I call that day last Thursday.I sat down and looked at not only one day, but the next two weeks. Within about 0.02 seconds my heart started racing, I got cold/sweaty hands, and broke out into a cold sweat. 

I just laid on the bed and breathed for a few minutes and tried to calm down while a barrage of thoughts came to mind. In the midst of it all, I called a good friend and told her what all was blazing thru my mind and after finally laughing about some things, she started to tell me something that was immediately familiar. 

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:25-34

Well there it is folks. The whole reason of this post. I worried over my life. And who better to trust that with than the Lord? He created it all, and continues to create amazing things, and give us amazing opportunities. "Tomorrow is anxious of itself." I mean, I can't even control what is going to happen within the next minute what makes think that I can even try to get a grip on the next two weeks? Not gonna happen. 

It might be a long verse, but it's worth at least paraphrasing for memory.

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Angels Unawares

I'm finding as the semesters draw on, my time between blogging gets longer and longer. However, it's a new year and so far an interesting one at that!

For Christmas my mother gave me a ticket to Miss America in VEGAS! And I was so surprised. Little did she know that people were plotting together to get her there with me! We were able to surprise her the day after Christmas with a poem and hand her a plane ticket midst squeals, tears, and more squeals. Watching her receive a gift that could have only been a dream was something truly special. 

Between Christmas and New Years many things happened and somewhere in the middle of that I got hit with the realization of I can tell people I want to do Children's Ministry all I want, but when do I start turning that telling into doing? There is no time like the present. In what can only be described as a manic fury, I wrote emails and sent them out and have gotten a response! There seems to be no end to the opportunities and blessings that one can receive when you begin to act out rather than just speak out. 

I went to Vegas and had a wonderful time! Even if I did sit in a hotel room for a few hours and attempt organic chemistry and calculus. I got to have an experience of a life time! I've seen THE Miss America Crowned, walked the Vegas strip with someone and by myself, and I played slots! (Shhh, don't tell!) But my greatest moment came from talking with a dear friend. She actually got to compete and not only did she nail every single part of competition, but also she nailed God's mission for her in Vegas. She took courage to stand up in the middle of a room full of girls frantically running around to ask for a moment to pause and thank the Lord. What an example. 

Now this got me thinking. Since when did I become too consumed with my own life to even share my faith with someone else? To take that broad step and mention how important my relationship with God is to a complete stranger. I knew that the next day I would be flying out and sitting to a stranger so I asked for God to give me courage to talk to people in the airport. Boy did he grant that request. Shortly after arriving at the airport, I got thru security, sat down, and began to stream online. A man ate at my table and I stopped to talk with him for a while and before I knew it the time to board had arrived. 

After going thru the awkwardness of trying to find a seat, I settled next to an older lady who seemed to be quite inviting. A pit formed in my stomach as I went to introduce myself and begin the routine airplane chit-chat. As we began to talk, I found that this lady was extraordinary. I mentioned that I was going into Children's Ministry and she began to ask me about what I wanted to teach kids, what I liked about the church in Atlanta, and share her story of faith with me. We talked the entire plane ride to Atlanta and I'm trying to find her on Facebook right now to just stay in touch. She helped me solidify my passion into action and challenged me to continue to pursue my dreams. 

I asked for courage and God gave me a stranger.
"Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels unawares." Hebrews 13:2

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