Withholding The Answer

It seems like in life there is never any end to waiting. Sometimes we are waiting in line, sometimes we are waiting for others, sometimes we are waiting on God, and sometimes we are even waiting on ourselves. But one thing is certain. In this life, you will be waiting.


Recently I've applied to be in the nursing program at Kennesaw State University here in Georgia and I'm having to wait ANXIOUSLY on the letter letting me know if I have been admitted or denied. I've checked the mailbox every single day, almost to the point where the post man and I are on a first name basis. I mean this guy is starting to shoot me strange glances because I try to be there whenever he puts the mail in our box. But as I have come to realize there is something that I can't control. It is the people that put the letter in the mail box. 


As some of you know I've been praying about more things than nursing school here lately and I'm in fact still waiting on the answer to those prayers even though it feels like they should already have been answered by now. But just like I can't control the people that are going to put my nursing school letter in the mail, I can't control God and his will for my life. Now don't get me wrong, we all have free will to make decisions and it's not like we are forced to go the path that is made for us, but as I have also found out the path without God on it isn't one that I want to be walking. Sometimes we think that if we ask God he will just automatically give us an answer, even if it's not the one we want to hear. But what if your answer is to wait? There are verses in the bible where it talks about waiting on the Lord and not just waiting with an anxious heart but waiting with a glad heart. 


Outside of patience (which I am still working on) learning how to wait with a glad heart is the hardest thing I've ever encountered. I mean, I don't know about you, but saying, "I'm, uh, just going to wait here with a genuine smile in my heart" isn't necessarily the easiest thing to say. I know that my answer on nursing school and these other matters will come. I also know that I may not like my answer, but it's the time in between the application and the answer that does not sit well with me. There have been times recently that I have sat in my car and just prayed with a broken heart, I do not demand an answer but I ask for the reasons of what seems to me a tormentous period of waiting. I plead and beg for an answer and yet I still have not gotten one. Yet, before I completely go crazy I remember a verse,


"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with Thanksgiving let all your requests be made known to God." Philippians 4:6


Oh yeah, that Thanksgiving part. It's easy sometimes to forget that this isn't the first blessing that God has given so it's okay to wait for another. He still wants to hear your hurts and requests and pains, after all he is your father. But be sure to remember that Thanksgiving word before you turn it in to a "Why is this happening to me?" situation. God does nothing to harm you. He never has and he never will. Even the waiting is not harming you, although it may at some times feel like it is. 


Live Today. 

Victory In All

I'm not going to lie. This may sound arrogant or whatever you want to call it, but in my life I've been through a lot. A lot of heartache, a lot of sadness, but also a whole lot of joy. Just amazing, pure, and wonderful joy. I can talk about any of my heartache and sadness and still have a genuine smile on my face and in my heart. Yes, I still tear up. It's sad, I'm not happy about it. But my joy doesn't depend on my happiness at that moment. 


My family has been through a lot lately. In face, we've been through a lot for a while. But what family doesn't have their ups and downs? Through all of this though I have cried but more importantly, I have praised. In fact a couple nights ago I cried while I praised. Let's face it, life is scary. It's not fair. It can plain out stink. But it's all worth it. 


People ask me, "Taylor, how do you stay so positive? If this was happening to me I would have already broken down and given up." The truth is, no you wouldn't. I was told a few years ago that life was about accepting your new reality, no matter what that reality is you have to look at it square in the eye and say, "Well Hello there!" And you have to know that God is going to be there for you. And you are going to have to be there for yourself. Because ultimately, after all your friends have given you advice and all your family has given you their love, you have to pick it up and USE IT. You must stop throwing yourself a pity party and get up!


It's safe to say that this Friday was a roller coaster of a day. The week was ending. Work was going great. But I had a huge worry on my heart. And I called Lindsey and Daniel about it and cried and they both prayed for me and I knew that they loved (and still love) me. Daniel told me something that I will never forget, "Taylor, you have to find the joy in this. There is joy, you just have to find it." Now this is always one of those things that falls into the extremely cliche category of "Easier said than done". But looking back, that's how I made it through it all anyway.


In three months, I'm leaving the University that I've attended for two years. Friends that I love dearly. A job with people I absolutely cherish. A safe-haven for me. I know this is the way God is leading me and I'm gladly following. But here's the thing, if you were to ask me why I was leaving a place I love I couldn't give you an answer outside of it's where God is leading me. And that my friends is how I know that I'm going to be okay. Actually it's going to be more than okay, it's going to be amazing. God has a bigger picture going on here and I haven't seen it all yet but the pieces of it I do get to see are pretty awesome so why wouldn't he keep going in this pattern of doing greater things for me than I could even imagine?


You see, God has won. Yep, that lovely man has already taken care of it all. (Wasn't that sweet?) He already knows what's going to happen to me and my family. He's already gotten my life planned out. He has it all put there for my good. Even the bad things. Even the things that I still tear up about, that cause my heart and stomach to just drop. The things that make me weep are the same things that I praise God for. 


Whenever you realize that you've already won, it gets a bit easier to find the joy in everything. Yes, you will still cry. Yes, your heart will still break. But Daniel also had a little nugget for this, "It takes your heart to be truly and completely broken for it to be built back up." So let your heart break, let your tears run, but remember that there comes a time to let God put the pieces back together again. 


Live Today

Going On

There's a lot of topics that I would love to write about for this blog. But one keeps coming to the forefront of my mind, that topic is the future. Where in the world I'm going to be in a few months to years. I recently thought that I would have to start my nursing program a bit late (and that still may happen) but I've been given the opportunity to start the program on time. I'm over the moon about getting this opportunity, but at the same time I'm starting to truly come to grips with the fact that I am getting up, leaving people I have loved, relationships that have been formed, and planting myself in a new place. I emailed my mom earlier this week and told her that in honor of my attendance at the great University of Georgia, I want UGA scrubs as my first pair of scrubs ever. 


Time has flown by. I have changed my major, decided to leave a great town and University, and chosen to follow God's plan for my life. However, as a confession, I am absolutely terrified. What if I don't make friends like the ones I have here? What if I don't enjoy my time where I'm being moved to? There are tons of questions but there is only one answer.


Hebrews 13:5 "God has said, “Never will I leave you;never will I forsake you."


Matthew 28:20, "And surely I am with you until the very end of the age."


God will not leave me. At church today I heard faith defined as the confidence that God is who he says he is and that he will do what he says he will do. Well God has said he will never leave me and that he is with me until the end of the age. If I am to have faith, I'm to believe that. And seeing what God has brought me through in my life, I have faith and I firmly believe that. 

Does that stop me from being terrified of having to go somewhere else to school? No. Am I still really scared of leaving? Yes. But, I'm ready to go. I wrote before that being a leader is being prepared to do anything and go anywhere that God leads you no matter what and I'm ready to follow. It's going to be one heck of a ride and I'm not going to be alone.

Live Today.