Starting this semester, I began working in a lab for class hours. This research opportunity quite literally came as a "P.S." statement in an email, but little did I know how much this would open up my heart and my future.
This is my first time doing what some undergrads only hope to do. I get to work on a research project that I can personalize, change, and make happen any way I want. But more importantly, I get to fail. This may sound odd but let me explain...
Grades have been important to me as long as I can remember. Even down to Pre-School where I was chastised if I made less than Satisfactory. In first grade I pushed myself to be the fastest and smartest in math. (Ask Mrs. Atkinson, I'm sure she remembers the moments with math problems.) And from there the intensity grew. In middle school, I would be devastated with an 89. There were many moments I remember crying and asking my mother why she was disappointed with my work. She would tell me, "Taylor, I am disappointed because this doesn't seem to be your best work." She was right. I was a gifted child, I could do more. But I took this motivation and turned it into a game with numbers. I became careless about what the material was just as long as I was making a 95 or above. This allowed me to graduate with a GPA higher than a 4.0 and second (yet technically third) in my class.
Then college hit. I was so used to not caring about the material that the methods of college testing hit me like a hurricane. I made a 59 on my first exam in college. After that exam I walked out of the room, sobbed, called my mom, and then threw up. That's how important it was for me to maintain the perfection. That's how important my grades were to me. After crying for HOURS, I was told by my mother, "You know how to improve. Go out and do it." I worked my tail off and made a C on the next exam in Chemistry. I was so happy to pass, I cried out of joy. However at the end of the semester, I realized the A was in my reach and I focused so hard on studying that I forgot to eat. A very awesome friend and boyfriend at the time brought me food and made me eat after 36 hours of no food. To cut the story short, I made a B in the class. I again called my mother and was told this, "Sometimes you do your best and it just doesn't pay off. You did your best."
That was not okay for me, but I eventually came around to realizing that grades aren't everything. In fact, they are such a small portion in the real world that killing myself over them isn't worth it.
So fast forward and I'm in a lab. Frustrated that the animals aren't doing what I need them to do. I'm getting the genetic version of fruit basket turnover. A few things went wrong and my professor says, "well just do it again." He wasn't upset, he wasn't angry, he was just telling me that my failure is not unusual and that I had to do it again.
I got the unique opportunity to entertain a speaker from UC Berkley who is in the fore front of developmental genetics. I picked his brain about PhD programs, when is a good time to go to school, and different things. We got to talking about the lab and he says, "The beauty of the lab is that it is NOTHING like the classroom. In a classroom you are pushed to regurgitate material and perform for the grades. In a lab you are expected to fail. You are pushed to the forefront of science and told "Go and get it done." Failure is the beauty of science. From failure we learn to grow."
It's true. From my failure I am growing. I am learning to let go and concentrate that my contributions in lab will be more important than the grades made in chemistry, virology, or physics. I am taking an opportunity that is completely new to me. I will fail, but that doesn't make me any less of a person or any less of a scientist. In fact it makes me better.
Embrace your failures. Because from them, you grow.
Live Today.
