A Wandering Wonderer

Admit it. Somedays are better than others. There are some days that you feel like you could conquer the world, and then there are other days where you just feel like you want to stay in bed all day and just not do one single productive thing. Well, luckily enough for me, today was neither of those days. I've been in a funk. (BJ, hope you don't mind that I'm using your word.) Honestly there is nothing to describe it but that. I feel like God's path for me has become completely over-grown with bushes and stuff that is just either getting in the way or covering it up. 


There are so many things to distract a person. Ranging from Netflix to even your own thoughts. I'm not saying I know how to solve that or to even begin how to fix it because I myself am still trying to figure out how to get the distractions out of my life. However, one thing that I know for certain is that I feel like a wandering wonderer. I want to know what is going to happen in my life. I want to know if I'm going to even be a nurse. I want to know if there's anyone out there for me. I want to know why things happen. And yet at the same time I'm trying to figure all this out while trying to keep my eyes on the path that God has for me. And I don't know about you but I have semi-weird vision and sometimes only possess the attention span of a fish so distracting myself from the path isn't the smartest thing to do. 


This weekend however, I heard something that really put all my questions and, well frankly, my lack of answers in perspective. 


"God won't always show you the future, but he will certainly show you today."


I have doubts. I have worries. And I have fears. But at the same time I have a hope, a dream, and a drive that is bigger than my doubts, worries, and fears combined. (Except for my fear of spiders... honestly there is no hope for that one.) There will be more days where I'm in a funk, but there will be days where I feel the certainty and the solidity of following God's will. The rain will come and it may last, but it can't last forever. The sun will have to shine. First off because God promised he would never flood the Earth again, and secondly because even the skies run out of tears. I look toward the future with great anticipation. Not because I know what's going to happen, but because of the mystery that's been hidden will finally be revealed. 


Live Today.

Triumphs and Trials

Of all the posts I have ever written, this one will be the one that hurts me the most. After months of waiting, I have found out that I did not get accepted into Nursing School. Looking back, I switched from applying for fall to applying for spring then back to fall again. And well, it looks like Spring 2012 is when I'll be joining the boat of Nursing. There are things at work here that I do not understand and things that are bigger than my original plan.


Talking with family and friends about this has been a great consolation and a great comfort. But the one thing that is still there? That feeling of, "Well this just stinks". I still believe I am meant to be a nurse and that I am being delayed for some reason. My faith is bigger than this trial and if I'm meant to pursue another path then I am open and ready and willing. Thankfully I have a back up plan (See, I'm still always planning). Actually I have about three back up plans, and know that if one doesn't work I'm probably being led to the other. 


There's a verse that stands out to me now more than ever, Isaiah 55: 8-9 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the Earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts." I'm living this verse right now and am trusting that since His thoughts are higher than mine that something greater is going to come of this.


Needless to say, since I will not start nursing school in the fall I will be taking some other classes that are required to obtain my Bachelor's but aren't required to get into the nursing program. Thankfully there aren't a lot of these hours so I'll be able to foster relationships and get to know a new city without having to go crazy. Plus, this means more time for one of my favorite things in the world... College Football. Go Dawgs. Go Noles. And Roll Tide. 


Live Today.

Gift of Hope

If you go and look at some of my pictures, there is something blue, shiny, and ever on my left hand in majority of these pictures. This is my favorite gift in the entire world. And my favorite back story of a gift to tell.


Christmas 2006: Earlier that winter season I spotted a blue topaz ring and immediately tried it on and fell in love with it. Got really excited and told my mom, and she said no. Well my dreams weren't too crushed because I knew that it was probably never going to happen but I still expressed my interest and love in that ring every second I could. Later, I received news that my dad was not doing too well and that he probably wouldn't last much longer. Needless to say, that put a damper on the holiday spirit. But, I knew that God had a plan and that the Christmas of 2007 would be special because it was probably the last one I would get to see my dad alive. And sadly enough January rolled around, and I was right. However, on Christmas day I was opening presents and noticed there was a tiny box towards the back that my mother wasn't giving to me. I kept eyeing it and the time FINALLY came when she let me open it. It was the blue topaz ring that I had picked out months before. That ring was so beautiful to me that whenever I looked at it, I saw the beauty of life and the beauty of hope in God.


Fall 2009: I went to a soccer game and put this treasured ring in the front pocket of my soccer bag. I put my bag down on the sidelines and went and played my game. The team goes out, does work, and we put a W on our record. I go and snatch up my bag and decide to head on home. Whenever I get home thought I realize something... My ring is no longer in my soccer bag. I immediately start a frantic search. I start calling everyone I can think of to see if they might have picked it up, I send out mass texts, I dump out my bag but the ring is nowhere to be found. I end up going my senior year without the ring that gave me hope. Without the ring that reminded me of my father and our last Christmas together.


Christmas 2010: I have spotted another beautiful blue topaz ring and know in my heart of hearts that I will not be getting another one. To make matters worse, I have found out that my great friend Marshall's battle with cancer is taking a turn for the worst and that this may be his last Christmas as well. And sadly enough, again I was right. January came around and Christmas 2010 was the last Christmas Marshall celebrated on Earth. But on Christmas Day, I noticed a little box in the back of the presents. Mom wouldn't let me open it and when the time finally came, I opened what is the most beautiful ring I have ever seen in my entire life. Tears overflowed and joy filled the room. 


My gift of hope was back. My beautiful, wonderful, amazing gift was back and even more lovely and special than ever. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wear this ring. It's my constant reminder of God's hope, love, and plan. It's a reminder that even though some things are taken away, God will always give you something even more precious and wonderful. For you are precious and wonderful to him. 


Live Today. 

A Look Forward

If I had to put a label on this weekend it would be, Too Much Fun.


Starting off, I got to ride home with a friend and we had a ton of fun on the ride home and the way back. I mean, we laughed, sang, and talked about literally everything. It was such a great thing to be able to not be afraid to be open and laugh.


Moving to the weekend, my friend and I roll into town and go get a late supper at Waffle House and my future intern counterpart, Parker Wayne joins us. We find out that the prank wars have already begun. I mean, these things are in full swing. After supper I look at my phone and realize that I have a voicemail from my youth minister saying that I probably had part of the prank that had happened to his truck. And while I'm somehow informed of pranks that happen on these weekends I honestly had nothing to do with that one. However, I don't think my excuse of being on the road home was completely believed. 


The next day I got up, lead some recreation for the DNow, and got to catch up with my sister/mentor Lindsey. Not only did I get some awesome time with her, but I also got to spend a lot of time with Parker. (Rearranging the office, planning future activities, and the usual joking around) We may or may not get a lot of work done this summer. However, this was my glimpse into the summer, and my glimpse made me super super excited. 


Last summer, I had the amazing blessing and opportunity of being able to work as a CentriKid staffer and see camp from that vantage point. Well, after this summer I will have seen camp from almost every outlook available. I've been a camper, a staffer, and this summer I will have the amazing opportunity be a group leader. Which means I'll be taking the kids to camp, advising them, and allowing them to be led by some amazing staffers. 


But in the midst of all this excitement, there's a ton of anxiety. I will be leading, forming relationships, and witnessing to these kids for the entire summer. Which is a LOT more than my one week I got last summer. There's a lot of paperwork, small details, bible studies to write, relationships to form, and just general work to be done and all of that combined together can add up extremely quickly. Needless to say, I feel a bit overwhelmed. 


 My honest hope for this summer is to show not just the kids but the parents as well God's love, faithfulness, and provision. I pray constantly that God will allow me to have a lasting impact and to be a vessel of showing him to everyone I interact with this summer. But just like I said, I want more than a summer memory for these kids, I want a lasting impact. There's so much to show them and so much for them to discover. Let's just say, everyone should be prepared for the soon forthcoming "Intern Chronicles: Stories and Insight from a Children's MInistry Intern".


I had my look forward to the summer this weekend, and it's going to be one crazy ride.


Live Today.

Withholding The Answer

It seems like in life there is never any end to waiting. Sometimes we are waiting in line, sometimes we are waiting for others, sometimes we are waiting on God, and sometimes we are even waiting on ourselves. But one thing is certain. In this life, you will be waiting.


Recently I've applied to be in the nursing program at Kennesaw State University here in Georgia and I'm having to wait ANXIOUSLY on the letter letting me know if I have been admitted or denied. I've checked the mailbox every single day, almost to the point where the post man and I are on a first name basis. I mean this guy is starting to shoot me strange glances because I try to be there whenever he puts the mail in our box. But as I have come to realize there is something that I can't control. It is the people that put the letter in the mail box. 


As some of you know I've been praying about more things than nursing school here lately and I'm in fact still waiting on the answer to those prayers even though it feels like they should already have been answered by now. But just like I can't control the people that are going to put my nursing school letter in the mail, I can't control God and his will for my life. Now don't get me wrong, we all have free will to make decisions and it's not like we are forced to go the path that is made for us, but as I have also found out the path without God on it isn't one that I want to be walking. Sometimes we think that if we ask God he will just automatically give us an answer, even if it's not the one we want to hear. But what if your answer is to wait? There are verses in the bible where it talks about waiting on the Lord and not just waiting with an anxious heart but waiting with a glad heart. 


Outside of patience (which I am still working on) learning how to wait with a glad heart is the hardest thing I've ever encountered. I mean, I don't know about you, but saying, "I'm, uh, just going to wait here with a genuine smile in my heart" isn't necessarily the easiest thing to say. I know that my answer on nursing school and these other matters will come. I also know that I may not like my answer, but it's the time in between the application and the answer that does not sit well with me. There have been times recently that I have sat in my car and just prayed with a broken heart, I do not demand an answer but I ask for the reasons of what seems to me a tormentous period of waiting. I plead and beg for an answer and yet I still have not gotten one. Yet, before I completely go crazy I remember a verse,


"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with Thanksgiving let all your requests be made known to God." Philippians 4:6


Oh yeah, that Thanksgiving part. It's easy sometimes to forget that this isn't the first blessing that God has given so it's okay to wait for another. He still wants to hear your hurts and requests and pains, after all he is your father. But be sure to remember that Thanksgiving word before you turn it in to a "Why is this happening to me?" situation. God does nothing to harm you. He never has and he never will. Even the waiting is not harming you, although it may at some times feel like it is. 


Live Today. 

Victory In All

I'm not going to lie. This may sound arrogant or whatever you want to call it, but in my life I've been through a lot. A lot of heartache, a lot of sadness, but also a whole lot of joy. Just amazing, pure, and wonderful joy. I can talk about any of my heartache and sadness and still have a genuine smile on my face and in my heart. Yes, I still tear up. It's sad, I'm not happy about it. But my joy doesn't depend on my happiness at that moment. 


My family has been through a lot lately. In face, we've been through a lot for a while. But what family doesn't have their ups and downs? Through all of this though I have cried but more importantly, I have praised. In fact a couple nights ago I cried while I praised. Let's face it, life is scary. It's not fair. It can plain out stink. But it's all worth it. 


People ask me, "Taylor, how do you stay so positive? If this was happening to me I would have already broken down and given up." The truth is, no you wouldn't. I was told a few years ago that life was about accepting your new reality, no matter what that reality is you have to look at it square in the eye and say, "Well Hello there!" And you have to know that God is going to be there for you. And you are going to have to be there for yourself. Because ultimately, after all your friends have given you advice and all your family has given you their love, you have to pick it up and USE IT. You must stop throwing yourself a pity party and get up!


It's safe to say that this Friday was a roller coaster of a day. The week was ending. Work was going great. But I had a huge worry on my heart. And I called Lindsey and Daniel about it and cried and they both prayed for me and I knew that they loved (and still love) me. Daniel told me something that I will never forget, "Taylor, you have to find the joy in this. There is joy, you just have to find it." Now this is always one of those things that falls into the extremely cliche category of "Easier said than done". But looking back, that's how I made it through it all anyway.


In three months, I'm leaving the University that I've attended for two years. Friends that I love dearly. A job with people I absolutely cherish. A safe-haven for me. I know this is the way God is leading me and I'm gladly following. But here's the thing, if you were to ask me why I was leaving a place I love I couldn't give you an answer outside of it's where God is leading me. And that my friends is how I know that I'm going to be okay. Actually it's going to be more than okay, it's going to be amazing. God has a bigger picture going on here and I haven't seen it all yet but the pieces of it I do get to see are pretty awesome so why wouldn't he keep going in this pattern of doing greater things for me than I could even imagine?


You see, God has won. Yep, that lovely man has already taken care of it all. (Wasn't that sweet?) He already knows what's going to happen to me and my family. He's already gotten my life planned out. He has it all put there for my good. Even the bad things. Even the things that I still tear up about, that cause my heart and stomach to just drop. The things that make me weep are the same things that I praise God for. 


Whenever you realize that you've already won, it gets a bit easier to find the joy in everything. Yes, you will still cry. Yes, your heart will still break. But Daniel also had a little nugget for this, "It takes your heart to be truly and completely broken for it to be built back up." So let your heart break, let your tears run, but remember that there comes a time to let God put the pieces back together again. 


Live Today

Going On

There's a lot of topics that I would love to write about for this blog. But one keeps coming to the forefront of my mind, that topic is the future. Where in the world I'm going to be in a few months to years. I recently thought that I would have to start my nursing program a bit late (and that still may happen) but I've been given the opportunity to start the program on time. I'm over the moon about getting this opportunity, but at the same time I'm starting to truly come to grips with the fact that I am getting up, leaving people I have loved, relationships that have been formed, and planting myself in a new place. I emailed my mom earlier this week and told her that in honor of my attendance at the great University of Georgia, I want UGA scrubs as my first pair of scrubs ever. 


Time has flown by. I have changed my major, decided to leave a great town and University, and chosen to follow God's plan for my life. However, as a confession, I am absolutely terrified. What if I don't make friends like the ones I have here? What if I don't enjoy my time where I'm being moved to? There are tons of questions but there is only one answer.


Hebrews 13:5 "God has said, “Never will I leave you;never will I forsake you."


Matthew 28:20, "And surely I am with you until the very end of the age."


God will not leave me. At church today I heard faith defined as the confidence that God is who he says he is and that he will do what he says he will do. Well God has said he will never leave me and that he is with me until the end of the age. If I am to have faith, I'm to believe that. And seeing what God has brought me through in my life, I have faith and I firmly believe that. 

Does that stop me from being terrified of having to go somewhere else to school? No. Am I still really scared of leaving? Yes. But, I'm ready to go. I wrote before that being a leader is being prepared to do anything and go anywhere that God leads you no matter what and I'm ready to follow. It's going to be one heck of a ride and I'm not going to be alone.

Live Today.