A Green Eyed Monster

Growing up I heard, "Jealousy is the best form of flattery." Well after the past 16 years, I've come to the conclusion that jealousy is actually no where close to flattery. In fact, I can't think of any example of how jealousy was actually flattering to someone. 

Jealousy causes strange things to happen. Best friends drift apart, relationships crumble, and neither party really comes out on top. We've all realized at some point or another that someone else's life isn't always what it seems. For instance, my life can really look glamorous with all the events, dresses, make-up, and high heels but my life is really a daily struggle to stay on top of it all. In college you have a choice. Sleep, good grades, or a social life. Now you get to choose two of these but then add on a Miss America Organization Title and your choices grow. Sleep (ha!), good grades, social activities, great talent, great swim suit body, great interview, or good modeling. Some of these aren't actually things you choose because you are either naturally talented or simply cut your losses and move on with things. But you find yourself jealous of the people who look like they're doing it all and they've got it all together. Sometimes those people really are able to stay on top of their lives and excel in every area and those are the people who have realized that jealousy isn't flattery.

I have noticed a trend with my life. If I'm jealous of someone, I'm more likely to think negatively and even put them in a negative spotlight in every area. 

Recently, I've changed my MO from internal degrading to external praise. If you praise someone, you've got to think positively about them. It started out with realizing that I was in a negative mental cycle and I gave out three compliments a day. That started a revolutionary way of thinking. I truly no longer cared enough about the negative of people to even notice it, much less think about it. The green eyed monster began to die. 

I still struggle with jealousy but it's a much more manageable battle now. I've actually started to use the "Thumper Rule" when it comes to what I think about people. "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." I'd like to expand on that rule. "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Tell yourself to mentally stop, find something good to say, and say it." 

Actions speak louder than words. Actions can win battles. 

Don't stop at simply thinking positive thoughts, actually say them out loud. A kind word can mend a broken heart, relationship, or day.

Live Today.

The More I Don't Know

There's a popular quote floating among upper level science professors. I heard it at the beginning of every class I took this semester. 

"The more I learn, the more I realize how much I don't know."

I heard this at the beginning of the semester and like 90% of the class I laughed for a good ten seconds and nodded my head for another 30. Simply because that quote resonates so well with me. The further I go along in my studies the more I have seen that the answers to questions are "we don't know". It's not that scientists as a whole have a lower IQ level or a lesser ability to display higher thinking; the answer comes from the fact that we have accepted just how little information we have about the world around us. 

I also took a moment and thought why I was only hearing this NOW? Why at our junior/senior years are we just hearing "you don't really know as much as you think you do"? Did our professors want to knock us down before our job search began? Did they want to intimidate us about the material of the class? The answer to both questions is no. They had other ways of intimidation and an arsenal of Rate My Professor reviews to back them up. And the job search simply isn't a concern for them. Don't get me wrong, professors (in general) want their students to succeed and go on to bigger and better things, but on the first day of class... they really don't care yet. 

Then I remembered what it was like to be a freshman/sophomore in college. I would have laughed at their opening statements. Not because I thought it was true, but because I didn't care. Freshman year I was looking to get good grades and make it thru. Sophomore year, I had academic success figured out and was looking to create some semblance of a social life. I wasn't looking to learn, I was looking to get by. 

Fast forward a couple of years and I am now looking to learn as much as possible. I am reading scientific papers. (Still not my favorite literature...AT ALL) I am in the lab every day to look after an experiment that excites me. Every day I learn. And every day I realize how much I don't know. Which, oddly enough, alleviates pressure. Some day I might be the person to look to for information but today is not that day and tomorrow isn't looking too good either. If/when I do become that person I hope I remember that not knowing everything helps you to be a better learner. I'd rather be a good learner than a know-it-all any day of the week.

Go learn something.

Live Today.

Something Witty

With all the snow days, getting into a rhythm for school has felt impossible. Add onto that professors that want to cram in more material than our brains can handle. Add testing onto that. Then as a quick and final bit of icing, add on research projects and papers. There's only one problem with all of this. I want a fulfilled life outside of school. So to keep going with the list I have Miss Cobb County events, Miss Georgia paperwork due, a boyfriend, a family, and friends. I won't even list all of these things again because they're starting to make me bald. 

I don't have a problem with a jam-packed schedule. In fact, that's how I grew up. Going from one thing to another to the next made me develop a balancing ability. However, I take things seriously. All things. Seriously. There are times when I can let go and lay low for a while. (Tonight is one of those times.) But usually my life is just one crazily scheduled day after the next. I promise if I showed you my calendar, you'd start to sweat. Taking everything seriously leads to a cycle of determination, followed by sadness, followed by exhaustion, tears, runny nose, headaches, etc. I'm sure you get the picture. 

Now, I'm tired of the cycle.

How does one escape and turn off the side of your brain that causes said cycle?

Well, I'm still figuring that out. 

I never thought that I'd truly enjoy cooking dinner. I never thought I'd enjoy the TV series Dr. Who (Eccleston is my favorite, then again I'm only on season 2.) I also never thought that I would ever learn the right way to put down a task and rest. I've been able to put things off, but not necessarily delay for an hour or two and then pick right back up.

While those are great, the key to breaking the cycle is something witty. Something that makes you laugh so hard that you forget about what you were going to say. Something that gives you uncontrollable giggles and fits of laughter. Mine varies from day to day but usually it's some TV show or a Buzzfeed article. However, I've recently found that Calvin & Hobbes is a great way of escape. No technology needed. Just me and a comic book. 

So go find something that makes you laugh.

Live Today.

The Beauty of The Lab

Starting this semester, I began working in a lab for class hours. This research opportunity quite literally came as a "P.S." statement in an email, but little did I know how much this would open up my heart and my future. 

This is my first time doing what some undergrads only hope to do. I get to work on a research project that I can personalize, change, and make happen any way I want. But more importantly, I get to fail. This may sound odd but let me explain...

Grades have been important to me as long as I can remember. Even down to Pre-School where I was chastised if I made less than Satisfactory. In first grade I pushed myself to be the fastest and smartest in math. (Ask Mrs. Atkinson, I'm sure she remembers the moments with math problems.) And from there the intensity grew. In middle school, I would be devastated with an 89. There were many moments I remember crying and asking my mother why she was disappointed with my work. She would tell me, "Taylor, I am disappointed because this doesn't seem to be your best work." She was right. I was a gifted child, I could do more. But I took this motivation and turned it into a game with numbers. I became careless about what the material was just as long as I was making a 95 or above. This allowed me to graduate with a GPA higher than a 4.0 and second (yet technically third) in my class. 

Then college hit. I was so used to not caring about the material that the methods of college testing hit me like a hurricane. I made a 59 on my first exam in college. After that exam I walked out of the room, sobbed, called my mom, and then threw up. That's how important it was for me to maintain the perfection. That's how important my grades were to me. After crying for HOURS, I was told by my mother, "You know how to improve. Go out and do it." I worked my tail off and made a C on the next exam in Chemistry. I was so happy to pass, I cried out of joy. However at the end of the semester, I realized the A was in my reach and I focused so hard on studying that I forgot to eat. A very awesome friend and boyfriend at the time brought me food and made me eat after 36 hours of no food. To cut the story short, I made a B in the class. I again called my mother and was told this, "Sometimes you do your best and it just doesn't pay off. You did your best."

That was not okay for me, but I eventually came around to realizing that grades aren't everything. In fact, they are such a small portion in the real world that killing myself over them isn't worth it. 

So fast forward and I'm in a lab. Frustrated that the animals aren't doing what I need them to do. I'm getting the genetic version of fruit basket turnover. A few things went wrong and my professor says, "well just do it again." He wasn't upset, he wasn't angry, he was just telling me that my failure is not unusual and that I had to do it again.

I got the unique opportunity to entertain a speaker from UC Berkley who is in the fore front of developmental genetics. I picked his brain about PhD programs, when is a good time to go to school, and different things. We got to talking about the lab and he says, "The beauty of the lab is that it is NOTHING like the classroom. In a classroom you are pushed to regurgitate material and perform for the grades. In a lab you are expected to fail. You are pushed to the forefront of science and told "Go and get it done." Failure is the beauty of science. From failure we learn to grow."

It's true. From my failure I am growing. I am learning to let go and concentrate that my contributions in lab will be more important than the grades made in chemistry, virology, or physics. I am taking an opportunity that is completely new to me. I will fail, but that doesn't make me any less of a person or any less of a scientist. In fact it makes me better. 

Embrace your failures. Because from them, you grow.

Live Today.

I Beat The Mirror

Well, the weekend has begun and I am finally on the mend from reconstruction surgery. This was a decision made with many many prayers and just as many tears from all parties involved in this decision.

There are few harder things that I've had to do than weigh the pros and cons of this surgery. Many things in my life have been hard but most of those hard things were decisions that I didn't have to make. So many things in our lives are out of our control, but this was fully under my control. Trying to decide whether or not I wanted this because I genuinely wanted it or becuase I wanted it because I didn't like what I looked like in the mirror. Doing this surgery becuase I hated what I saw in the mirror quickly became the wrong reason to have the surgery.

One of the most valuable lessons I learned was that if you don't love yourself, a cosmetic fix will not change your mind set. It could help for a bit, but then something else would pop up. "I don't like my breasts." I get them changed. "I don't like my face." I could get that changed too. But it finally came down to knowing I had to love my body for exactly what it was. Uneven, a little imperct, and yet still miraculously beautiful. 

I wrote down things I didn't like and started to see how miniscule those flaws were. And how I had some pretty awesome stories behind scars, dents, and webbed toes. This started a complete change. I began to see how small these flaws were and became someone who loved and embraced her flaws. I love my webbed toes. I got them from my Dad and I know that while I have to sacrifice toe socks, at least there's a valid reason behind it. The dent in my nose from flipping a desk on my face when I was five reminds me that I don't always have the best ideas...no matter how fun they seem.

This surgery is giving me back something that was involuntarily removed. While I came to love my defects and slight deformities, this surgery is truly a step in becoming the beautiful woman I feel like I am. Walking with confidence and knowing that I loved myself before this surgery makes it all the easier to celebrate how I feel post-surgery.

Love yourself.

Live today.

Steps and Moments

Finally. My official next to last day of school. For some people that just seems like a lot of words. However, for me it truly means the beginning of my last year of college. I'm ecstatic to say the least but that's not all this year holds for me. 

Immediately in the start of the new year, there were a multitude of my friends engaged and taking the next step. No, I'm not writing to say I'm jealous. In fact, this isn't even the main topic of this post but I felt the need to congratulate my many friends that are engaged and taking a HUGE next step in their lives. I cannot WAIT to see beautiful marriages unfold!

Now to the real reason for this post. I am truly and genuinely thankful. Thankful for where I am in life, thankful for who surrounds me, and thankful for the many opportunities that have come with taking "the next step".

So I want to summarize some of my "next steps":

1. As many of you know I started dating an awesome guy and we celebrated one year together in 2013. For us, a long distance relationship has not been easy but who says things worth having are easy? Our relationship has brought out a side of me that I love, he celebrates me being goofy and also being poised. (On the rare occasion). He helped me take a next step in loving myself for who I truly am and simply being honest with myself.

2. In 2013, I found a mass in my right breast. I ignored it and prayed for it to go away. It didn't. I didn't want to acknowledge that it was there and I also wanted to ignore the fact that the mass was growing. Rapidly. My family helped me take my next step in embracing imperfections that would help me lead others in embracing their own flaws. This mass helped humble me and see that my life is bigger than my desires. It also lead to number 3...

3. I went to Miss Georgia in 2010 and then swore off pageants forever. I told everyone I was done and that I would move on with my life. Then 2011 came around and I tried again, and I failed. I really thought I was done until I found my lump. After hearing the words, 'You have to have surgery, there is no option.' I knew that I had a message. And the best way to spread that message for me was Miss America Organization. A few weeks before my surgery I told my boyfriend and family that I was going to try again, with a platform that was fueled by passion. That lead to whole new lifestyle and a whole new way of thinking. And for a sweet moment, the passion led to success.

Needless to say these are only a few of the steps that were taken in 2013. However, 2013 has passed and time marches forward. Hopefully there are many days left before me and I want to remember where I came from to know where I'm going. The days that I have been given are so precious. The time I spend with others counts so much. 

I don't have any poetic words about how precious time is because I think we all know the drill. In fact, I don't realize how special moments are until they are almost gone. 

So to the special moments; make them count. 
To the bad moments; let them go. 
To the great moments; tuck them away.
To the little moments; hold them close.

Live Today.

Coming So Far

Christmas. The buzz word everywhere right now. I realize I haven't been blogging as faithfully as possible, but even I still hear christmas music on the radio and see candy canes in the store. But the more popular word for this week and the next... "Finals Week".

With finals approaching and then leaving as quickly as they arrive, the stress factor in the college population sky rockets. Nutritious food is quickly left behind for the binges of chips, pizza, cupcakes, basically anything unhealthy. Personally, my poison is animal crackers. We defy meals to much mind-numbingly on junk food and we pay for it later. But right now, I couldn't think of a better time to nap. Guys you think I'm joking but I'm not. Today, I took a solid 30 minute nap and have never felt better. 

The stress of finals has gotten to me. I will admit that sleeping restlessly and studying all the time makes me want to pull my hair out, but it's not enough to make me stay awake all day. In fact, study breaks have become my good friend these past few weeks. 

A few posts ago I stated that I was going to let go of numbers and live life more. Well, I can't say with 100% certainty that I've accomplished that goal, but I do know that I am so much closer than ever before. People have commented on my optimism during finals and wonder where it comes from. Sometimes I wonder myself where the pressure and stress went. It still reappears from time to time but it's nothing like freshman year. 

If I could go back and tell my freshman in college self some advice here is what it would be, "Taylor, you need to look up, go get some real food, nap, and just breathe." I remember times when I couldn't sleep because my heart was beating out of my chest about the possibility of not performing at a 4.0. Now that I'm a senior, that's actually okay. I have a very high GPA and have worked very hard for it. But I've also come a longer way in taking the grade of a C on an exam and instead of tearing myself up I build up my study habits.

It's finals week but the beauty of controlling stress is in our options to choose what will control our lives. I'm sorry, my grades aren't going to control me. I am very proud of them, but they are not my greatest accomplishment. In fact they are no where near the thing I am most proud of in my life. So to all the frazzled collegiates:

Look up. Go get a real meal. And take a big deep breath.

Live Today.