Today Is Not A Terrible Day

|Thank you Mama Joy for the inspiration|

Yesterday was one of those days where you look up, close your eyes, and mutter, "Really, Lord? Really?" Then you open your eyes and take another step. 

I started working at a pediatric office in January, and as you can probably guess the smells, sights, and sounds are never boring. I've encountered rough days where I've called people and said, "If you prayed for patience I will hurt you." However yesterday was a new level of frustration. So much so that I needed human contact for comfort. I was on my way to my fiancé's apartment and saw that Mama Joy was at Kenerly Kreations. I impulsively stopped, got out of the car, and asked if she was available. Thankfully she put her work aside and came to see me. I guess my face said it all and when I said I needed a hug, she delivered no questions asked. 

We got to chatting about everything that was going on in our lives and how we were just having things pull us in all directions. I then said, "It's just been a terrible day." She stopped and told me a story:

A friend of hers (and mother to a friend of mine) had cancer. She was dying. Yet, Mrs. Anna Keith was at Ward's Fabrics so she could make her daughter a baton costume. Mrs. Joy met her at the shop and quickly began to recount what had delayed her citing one thing after another then said, "It's just been a terrible day." Mrs. Anna stopped, turned around, and said, "Joy, this is not a terrible day. You don't know what a terrible day is."

Now to some of you that may seem harsh, however; Mrs. Anna had been thru treatments, she saw her daughter and knew that her time with her was limited, and she looked death in the face... sometimes she did that all in one day. Folks, that is a terrible day. Not the locking of keys in the car, baby spit up, or even temporary frustrations at work equal a terrible day. 

My entire family - and I'm sure you as well - have had a few terrible days. Death, disease, heartache, infidelity, injury, betrayal, etc. The list can go on forever. These terrible days though are few and far between. There may be a series of hard days that turns into a hard week that could even lead to a hard month, but we can't let ourselves turn our slight frustrations into terrible days.

"Self-pity is a bottomless pit. Once you fall in, you tend to go deeper and deeper into the mire. As you slide down those slippery walls, you are well on your way to depression, and the darkness is profound." -Jesus Calling, July 16
"He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put there trust in the Lord." -Psalm 40:2-3

Don't fall into that slimy pit. But if you do, Jesus will help pick you up.

Live Today.

On A Tilt

The last time I wrote, I was talking about my life in Jesup. Well, only one major change has happened... D proposed! It was almost a week after I wrote my last post that he popped the question on St. Simon's Island at sunset. (Yes he did have the dogs involved and yes he did kneel at a certain angle to make the ring sparkle in the sunlight.) We are THRILLED to be planning our big day together. All the while, little things that I would have never thought of (i.e. what color are the dishes going to be and do they coordinate with the placemats?) have come out of the woodwork. Thank the good Lord above that I have a wonderful group of friends and family here to help me figure out if that teal should be paired with cream/faded brown/sand. (There are literally four different names for the same color.) 

I can't pinpoint when it happened. In fact, I don't know what I was doing when I had the realization. I just knew that I was overwhelmed, no where near peace, and was exhausting myself quickly. An entry level job coupled with impending student loan payments didn't help either. I found myself in a constant cycle of "I really need to get this... but I'm too poor to afford it." Let me just add that I made the mistake of not paying attention to my dog food level, and thanks to the saving grace of my fiancée I was able to feed Daisy for an afternoon. That's the kind of stress level we're talking about here. 

Then suddenly something just clicked. My brain quite literally went, "Ding. When's the last time your prayed for longer than 30 seconds? When's the last time you asked God to speak and then you waited and listened?" Doug and I had already faced a monumental trial and of course thru that I prayed and quoted the Bible. Then all of the sudden I was able to run my own little world, until I wasn't.

My world didn't shatter into a million little pieces nor did my heart break. My world just tilted before I even realized that it was moving. The finances were suddenly not as important. Neither were the shades of colors. (I'm still baffled that there are different names for the same color. Don't you even dare pull the "Cerulean" quote from the Devil Wears Prada.) All that was important was waking up each day and looking around me at people that need service. 

Doug and I were talking one day and the topic of service came up. He told me that if he could make sure that he served someone in someway each and every day he would be happy. First, how ironic is it that he's talking about this topic? Two, I added that to his pile of "Things That Make Doug Great". I am very lucky to be marrying someone that so innately feels something for which I need a constant reminder. 

Live Today.

What Am I Doing With My Life?

This actually isn't a philosophical post... Gotcha!

2 months ago, my mom and I were in Brunswick and originally went to pick out a new iPhone and left with a puppy. Something was off when we were looking at phones and as I was walking out, I logged onto Facebook and checked the Brunswick, Ga Animal Rescue page, squealed, and told my mom we HAD to go look at puppies. I convinced her to think that we probably weren't going to get one, but 20 minutes later we walked back to the kennels and my heart fell in love with the first puppy that yelped at me. 

I took Julie out to go play in the grass and it was love at first bark. I looked at 2 more and then too Julie and Mary to the adoption room and after interacting with them both I knew that little Julie was my dog. Her name changed to Daisy, I signed on the dotted line, payed a fee, and off we went to PetsMart. Fast forward 2 months and here I am with a 5 month old puppy that's growing like a weed, snoring like a lumberjack, and finally getting on to the Potty Training Express. However, I will say that this is not what I envisioned for myself at my college graduation. 

"So, what are you doing with your life?" This is the most popular question that I'm asked these days. Here's my answer: I am working as a medical scribe at a pediatric doctor's office, I am volunteering at another private practice office, raising a dog, applying for PA school, getting used to living with my mother, and adjusting to the weird (yet AWESOME) fact that I live 5 minutes away from my boyfriend. Yet while I'm answering the question I am thinking that I need to be at home letting out the dog, asking for letters of recommendation, volunteering more, planning something...anything, and reading my Bible... all at the same time. 

I thought that life after graduation would slow down, but it has only picked up in ways that I never saw coming. There are challenges at every stage of life, and everyone warns you about the post-grad blues but I have been nothing but blessed. It's been great not having to worry about exams or class and I love my job, community, living arrangement, dog, and boyfriend. The only thing that I find myself lacking is quiet time alone with God. That's where I fall short. 

Instead of answering that question like I always do, I think I'm going to start mentioning that I'm living my normal busy life trying to find time to spend with God. There are many methods I've tried to get that quiet time in there but I'm still working to find one that's consistent. It's hard, but it's so worth it. My future's in good hands. 

So that is what I'm doing with my life.

Live Today.

Lord Willin' And The Creek Don't Rise

Finals week is in full swing. But let's be honest here. This is prime procrastination time. So while my class today was cancelled and I didn't leave my apartment, I somehow packed up my desk, tops of my dressers, underneath my desk, began a deep clean, worked out, showered, and studied. I honestly have no idea how that all even happened in one day. I just know that after rolling out of bed and finding out that class was cancelled, I began to check off my to-do list and all of the sudden it was dark outside.

This one isn't about finals though. This post is about a lesson that I've been learning over the past semester: Vulnerability.

Most of us hear that word and think, "Hmm. That is some lofty word that people use when they are thinking about saying something that might allow their feelings to get hurt, but then they might not actually say whatever it is." Well, at least that what went thru my head when we began reading a book about speaking freely in small group this past semester. 

When we started this book we all talked about how we were hoping to see big changes in how we communicate with one another, but I didn't expect what was coming. I got to know the people I had met with for 2 years even better and I loved them all the more. So, I decided to apply vulnerability in my own life.

It hasn't been easy. In fact, the thought of being laughed at or hurt has been crippling sometimes but speaking up has given me great freedom. I have shared things that have weighed heavy on my heart. I have become more willing to ask for help. I finally have become more aware of how to respond when others are vulnerable with you.

I've been struggling with a control issue lately and thru this semester I've been asking for prayers, advice, and help when I would normally have sat back and let it simmer in my head. Talking things out has been instrumental in my coming to terms that some things are just completely and utterly out of my control. I still slip up. I forget that this timeline that I'm trying to plan out does not merely concern me. In fact, it's not even really mine! To me the omniscience of God is a characteristic that I long to possess, even though it is not mine to have. I still let my mind run in 1,000 different directions but at the end of the day, I am helped, I am supported, and I am loved. 

Admitting this is hard. Thinking about how I'm even going to change my mindset it harder. How are we supposed to give up control? How do you let go? Prayer.

"6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Phil. 4:6-7

This semester has changed my life and it won't stop until December 18, 2014 when I have officially closed my apartment door and head back to Jesup to begin working. I am thankful for all that I've been taught. 

Here's a verse that I've kept in mind throughout my struggle.

14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15 Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”  James 4:14-15


Live Today.

Can I Get On A Train?

"I'm just getting on a train and leaving forever."

I'm a big fan of the Big Bang Theory, but mostly for its comedic value. But the line I quoted above struck a chord in me. There have been so many times this semester that I've wanted to get on a train and leave forever. 

I'm graduating, moving, choosing a new career, applying to graduate schools, taking the GRE, and so much more. But sometimes it just feels like it's all happening at once. It's thrilling and terrifying all at the same time. For some reason, I took my eye off the prize and got lost in the drudging details of it all.

This past week I've had to analyze "Boo-koos" of images and neurons individually and painstakingly to try and make sure everything was right.(I'm not really going to say the number because even thinking about it overwhelms me.) My mom once told me, "If you don't have time to do it right the first time, where are you going to get the time to do it again?" Thankfully, there is time to do it again. But all of these decisions I'm making that lead to these changes area a one time only deal. I don't get a chance to do them again. 

However, it's going to be okay. While the beauty is in the details, nothing can substitute for the bigger picture. These life changes come and go. They happen in perfect timing. Even if we force them to come early. I have an extensive support group and those people are the reason I'm not getting on a train and running away forever. They tell me to breathe and look up. These changes are going to help me in my new phase of life. As big and scary as it may be, I will be prepared by the time they get here.

"What can I do Leonard? Everything is changing and it's simply too much."

Don't get on the train and run away. Take a deep breath.

Live Today.

Do It Again, Sweetheart

After competing again and placing first runner up at Miss Georgia in June, I took on another title of "Georgia Sweetheart". That title didn't stop me from going to school for my last first day... again. 

It was strange to walk the halls with a sense of confidence intertwined with a twinge of bitterness. After all, I wasn't supposed to be there. I was supposed to have already walked across the stage, gotten the diploma, and begun the job search. Yet here I was, the Georgia Sweetheart, back at school for my second last first day. It's odd to describe the feelings I had that day. I didn't have class until 2:15pm, parking was a JOKE, and scared science freshmen were running around looking for the ever elusive room 109. (It is an actual room, but people think the first floor is a myth... it's not.)

I immediately threw myself into rearranging a schedule, adding this and dropping that, looking at other classes to see what I could take just to take it. Within the first week, I only stuck with one class that I was originally registered for this Fall. Oh, well. Then the first week was over and I was off to the National Sweetheart Pageant.

If you've ever heard of Hoopeston, Illinois then you've heard the word "corn". Now if you haven't heard of Hoopeston, then you are missing out. This was the quaintest town that I've ever seen. The people were so open and so nice that it was almost like being at home. Except for the 5:30 am wakeup to be ready at 6:30. I would text my mom and she would say, "You do know it's not yet 6 where you are?" because she KNOWS that I would never voluntarily wake up that early. Even with the early mornings, the week was amazing and it did change my life. 

I met girls that I will be friends with for a lifetime. We all joked about being "Friends Forever" and now I can't imagine my life any other way. The girls there were at a level that I had never experienced before. Each one had an amazing story of life and loss along with ambition and drive to overcome their circumstances to pull themselves up. When you're in a room with 43 women who have the same ambition and drive that you do, then you are going to make friends that stick. 

My week is over, I didn't win, but I had a life changing experience. An adventure that put women in my life that make me laugh until I cry, joke with me, can empathize with my frustrations, and most importantly respect the Miss America Organization for the empowering system that is is for so many women.

Sometimes you have to do something again and it leaves you a little bitter. But sometimes you do something again and get the greatest memories of your life from it.

Live Today.

Defying the Odds

It's hard for me to comprehend that three weeks ago, my world changed. I had finished my interview, the first night of prelims was wrapping up, and I was headed to visitation. I felt confident, but never had any clue what would happen on Saturday night. The following two nights I did my best and kept pushing myself with less and less hours of sleep. I received gifts like it was my birthday everyday and I carried a teddy bear around with me because I needed something to remind me of home.

I loved every minute of it.

Watching girls getting called out for the top 10 was one of the largest emotional roller coasters I've ever ridden. In fact, I had counted myself out and then at #9 they called my name. My knees have never quaked more in my life. An eerie sense of peace crept over the initial shock and it was off to the races. I hate to run over the events that happened on and off stage, SO a quick shout out to my AMAZING dressing room that had things ready and waiting for me when I came off stage. Also, they Sally Hansened (yes, that became a verb) me and gave me one HECK of a tan. Thanks to Betty for being my chili dog, Adeline for inspiring me with a great voicemail (I went out there, did my best, and had fun), and the laughter that came from the amazing hostesses.

At the end of it all, there I was, standing face to face with the reality that no matter what the outcome, I could be Miss Georgia. Holding hands with one of my best friends, talking non-stop, feeling like my heart was in my butt. Hearing my name called for first runner-up was like an out of body experience. Maggie's face is something I will cherish forever, and looking to the crowd I knew that this was the way things were meant to be.

I've enjoyed my years in and out of the pageant system. There is no doubt in my brain that I was there for the right reason at the right time. Statistically, I shouldn't have even been in the top ten since 4 other girls from my group were called out before me. I then defied the odds a second time by making the top 5. But looking back on my life, that's what I've done. I've defied the odds.

At 11 years old I lost a brother and had a father with a degenerative brain disease. I should've grown up an emotional wreck. At 14 I lost my father. According to every possible statistic, I should've fallen back into my hole and clung to depression. At 17 I had my soccer scholarships and chances ripped away by a torn ACL in a freak accident in the first game of the season. I continued to play and still got offers. At 20 I had a tumor removed from my breast. Yet I still pushed away pity and depression and shared a message of hope.

Every day I defy the odds by smiling, laughing. and LOVING. By all accounts I should NOT be the person I am today. I didn't do this all by myself. I reached (and still continue) to reach out for help. Somedays, I just go home and cry. But everyday I wake up is a day that I can change the world. This year I decided to try and change the world thru pageants and I did. I have received contact from people nation-wide about how my platform has impacted their lives and THAT is what's important. I would have loved to have won Miss Georgia, but the messages I received post-competition remind me that it's not about the crown, It's about the person that's underneath it.

At the ripe age of 22, I am saying goodbye to the competition side of the pageant world. (Barring the very large chance that Maggie wins Miss America and I become Miss Georgia.) I have defied the odds there. For me, there is a whole different world that is calling my name. Science. For me, science is the escape from the world where I can imagine anything and everything at the same time. It's the place where I enter and 12 hours pass by like 20 minutes. Call me a lab rat, but I like being one.

I am a scientist. I am a pageant queen. It looks like the odds could actually be in my favor.

Live Today.